Kristie

New piece of writing on how British politeness and 'manners' are the last surviving pillars of the Empire.

'Not all legacies of the British Empire are loud. Some are quiet, habitual, and dressed in good intentions. In the UK, tone still trumps truth, and politeness remains more culturally sacred than justice.'

https://kristiedegaris.substack.com/p/please-thank-you-and-other-forms-of-control

#Writing #WritingCommunity #Culture #Scotland

Please, Thank You, and Other Forms of Control

How politeness is the last surviving pillar of the British Empire. Not all legacies of the empire are loud. Some are quiet, habitual, and dressed in good intentions. In Britain, tone still trumps truth, and politeness remains more culturally sacred than justice.

Kristie De Garis
Jun 30 at 6:52amWeb
Show threadEsther Payne Jun 30

@kristiedegaris So much this.

Politeness is very much a cudgel used in British Society and elsewhere.

Really good post. It just hit me right in my gut there.

Show threadKristieJun 30
@onepict Thank you for reading! I am very sure many people will feel the same way. It really is just a way to suppress a population and maintain power structures.
Show threadEsther Payne Jun 30

@kristiedegaris it is so insidious though, like saying thanks is so ingrained in me, my brain makes me thank my partner for every little thing handed to me.

Like my partner said, "you really don't need to thank me for handing you each little thing."

So I tried not doing it, and it was painful not to do so.

Politeness is hard coded into women.

Show threadKristieJun 30
@onepict Completely agree, and I have the same experience. I work on it in therapy, but you're right, it is so hard coded. And when I don't perform that level of gratitude, when I am direct, (especially in the world of work) it always goes badly. It's exhausting!!
Show threadCara BruarJun 30
@kristiedegaris excellent post, thank you. This scourge also exists in Australia.
Show threadKristieJun 30
@CaraBruar Ah I'm sorry. I feel the British are to blame for this also. A scourge indeed!
Show threadCara BruarJun 30
@kristiedegaris well, the British started it, but in theory we have been an independent country since 1901. One day we might act like it. But I think most cultures have a similar system, especially tone policing.
Show threadKristieJun 30

@CaraBruar I find my directness is often appreciated more elsewhere, not everywhere of course, but it goes particularly badly in the UK.

I looked into a lot of surveys on tone policing and it does seem incredibly widespread.

Show threadCara BruarJun 30
@kristiedegaris a tool of insecure bullies
Show threadanthropomorphic blast radiusJun 30
@kristiedegaris @CaraBruar I have known a couple of Nigerian ladies in the last handful of years. They are rude! Damn! lol They speak plainly and it's funny to watch people get themselve tied up in knots about it.
Show threadUckermark MacGyver Jun 30
@kristiedegaris wow, brilliantly put. Very much this!!!
Show threadKristieJun 30
@maxheadroom Thank you for reading!
Show threadUckermark MacGyver Jun 30

@kristiedegaris I feel like this kind of pattern has also creeped in in the corporate world. Speaking up is considered harmful. Disturbing the perceived team harmony. As you describe it.

On the other hand... speaking up unfiltered might also cause damage and not support your case.

I like your text very much as it's speaking up but not in a too disturbing way. I hate to say it, but it's also kind of "polite". You could have used much more drastic words and swear and curse etc. But the way you put it still provokes thoughts, makes a strong point without being offensive. Thats and art

Show threadKristieJun 30

@maxheadroom When I'm writing, my goal is to broaden people's thinking, not drive them away. But of course, there is a separate, personal part that's furious, exhausted, and also hurt by experiencing this culture.

My own experiences within professional settings very much mirror what you are saying.

Show threadUckermark MacGyver Jun 30
@kristiedegaris I can totally relate. And this can probably lead to a kind of politeness burnout. Similar to things like "autistic burnout" where people on the autism spectrum mask like "normal" people. But it costs them so much energy that they get an actual burnout from it.
I can totally imagine that this happens for a politeness burnout as well.
Show threadben morettiJun 30
@kristiedegaris excellent & fascinating article.
Show threadKristieJun 30
@morebento Thank you!
Show threadben morettiJun 30
@kristiedegaris the English were racist to the Irish, Scots and welsh before they were racist to everyone else. The racist superiority to the indigenous peoples here in Australia was just vile and genocidal. Ironically when working class English migrants came here post WW2 they were subject to the same racism (“whinging poms”) that the other migrants of the time - Italians, Greeks, Croatians, Vietnamese, Sudanese, Lebanese etc - all received. Isn’t history amazing.
Show threadGerry McGovernJun 30
@kristiedegaris Great piece. In Ireland, we long learned that, with one hand, the British Imperialist could be joyously sticking a knife in your gut and twisting it, while with the other hand, he was calmly drinking a cup of English breakfast tea. Politeness has long been a potent weapon of the imperialist and genocider.
Show threadKristieJun 30
@gerrymcgovern Couldn't agree more and I am glad I got to the point where that was clear to me and I could articulate it. Took me years to extract myself.
Show threadJennifer Moore 😷Jun 30

@kristiedegaris

Good points well made! Thank you.

Your writing reminded me of Sara Ahmed's work (which I love), I wonder if you know it already?

"To become a feminist killjoy is to get in the way of happiness or just get in the way. We killjoy because we speak back, because we use words like sexism or transphobia or ableism or racism or homophobia to describe our experience, because we refuse to polish ourselves, to cover over the injustices with a smile."

https://feministkilljoys.com/2023/03/06/killjoysolidarity/

And recently she's been writing and speaking about "complaint" - how systems make complaints disappear, how raising a problem makes you the problem, etc.

#KilljoySolidarity

The Feminist Killjoy Handbook is out in the world! Bringing it out into the world has taken time – and my blog has been quiet during that time. I am glad to share its arrival here. Please do order …

feministkilljoys
Show threadKristieJun 30
@unchartedworlds I am so appreciative of you sharing her work! Completely up my street and also thank you for such a flattering comparison.
Show threadMike [SEC=OFFICIAL]Jun 30
@kristiedegaris I've enjoyed reading your work to this point, but Substack is a hard pass. Bye.
Show threadMark OheJun 30

@kristiedegaris

Really great. I had never thought about this.

Show threadGlad to be gayJun 30
@kristiedegaris as another light-skinned mixed race person, very very much this
Show threadKristieJun 30
@eleanor Solidarity. It's brutal out there.
Show threadDavid McMullinJun 30
@kristiedegaris
A similar dynamic exists in the U.S., even though on the surface we aren’t nearly as “polite.”
Show threadDavid McMullinJun 30
@kristiedegaris
One can be nice without being kind, and vice versa; they are not the same thing.
Show threadAdrianna TanJun 30
@mcmullin @kristiedegaris nice and not kind is all of northern and central California :)
Show threadDavid McMullinJun 30
@skinnylatte @kristiedegaris
I wish I remembered who I heard say this first (on social media somewhere), but it was a native Californian who had moved to Boston and was commenting on cultural differences. The example she gave was her neighbor who mocked her mercilessly, swore at her and chewed her out for being so stupid and incompetent for getting her car stuck in a snow bank. But he did it while digging her out.
Show threadDavid McMullinJun 30
@skinnylatte @kristiedegaris
At home, she said, no one would ever talk to me this way, but they also wouldn’t make such an effort to help.
Show threadDavid McMullinJun 30

@skinnylatte @kristiedegaris
This stuck with me, but I hesitate to read too much into it, because I realize it flatters my northeastern self-image.

(All my life I’ve heard people complain about how rude and horrible people from my part of the U.S. are, and I never really saw it myself. Finally I realized that’s because I must be one of the people they’re complaining about.)

Show threadBoneless LobsterJun 30
@kristiedegaris surprise: one can be vile and polite at the same time
Show threadGaiaCrisisPhilJun 30

@kristiedegaris

'So maybe it’s time to be rude. Prioritise your own clarity over expected tone, your sanity over what they want to hear. If enough of us choose truth over decorum, we might topple that final, incorporeal pillar of the Empire: politeness itself.'

✅

I've always had a problem with please and thank you
Not that I don't use them when I feel it is appropriate but I am conscious that I often don't use them when other people think I should. It's true: it *is* about control

Be rude