Donna
VeeAccountable language!
dragonfrog@VeroniqueB99 I even prefer "absent" over "absentee" - when the father is dead, that isn't his fault, and when he's incarcerated for years over something that would be better handled through non-carceral means it's the state's fault.
This Account Kills Fascists@VeroniqueB99 We love to shame women for picking shitty men, instead of shaming shitty men.
Matthias Auswƶger@VeroniqueB99 Why not blaming shitty men and try to pick better ones?
One does not exclude the other, right?
One does not exclude the other, right?
Maggie Maybe@ausm @VeroniqueB99 I donāt believe you are asking this question sincerely, but just in case you really are let me explain:
Nobody chooses bad men. Men know how to pretend to be good until they have you trapped.
I know you guys donāt like to hear this because misogyny has society convinced that women are out there trying to baby trap men, but itās the other way around.
Because bad man know once they have a child with us they have control over our lives.
My momās generation might have been forced to choose bad men because until 1974 women could be denied a bank account, or credit, and until the 80s women and kids could be denied an apartment, so women from my motherās generation had to choose a man for survival so I could see why they may have chosen a bad man hoping they could fix him or something.
But thatās not whatās happening now. They know how to fake it until we are trapped.
į“®įµāæ į“æįµŹøį¶įµVOTE IN THE PRIMARIES@violenteastcoastcity š šÆ š
SomeGadgetGuy@violenteastcoastcity @VeroniqueB99 EXACTLY that. It's all about making sure the woman is shamed for either picking a shitty dude, or not being good enough to keep a "quality man".
@SomeGadgetGuy @violenteastcoastcity
ššÆšš
@SomeGadgetGuy @violenteastcoastcity @VeroniqueB99 āKeeping a manā is only challenging if you have self-esteem and self-respect.
The only thing a woman has to do to keep a man is be a doormat and a bang maid.
The worst men are almost impossible to get rid of. Ask anyone who has been stalked or harassed by an ex.
@maggiejk @SomeGadgetGuy @violenteastcoastcity
#truth. Also the 'good' men talk about partners and don't come from a place of dominance of either for reasons spanning from children to money...
(incidentally I broke off with my ex 8 times... impossible to get rid of is right!)
@VeroniqueB99 How is the parent who stayed the problem?
- Maybe she didn't want him to stay.
- Maybe she replaced him with someone who didn't want to stay.
- Maybe she doesn't know who it is.
There can be a million reasons. Sometimes its him to blame, somtimes her, somtimes nobody. 1000 cases mean 1000 different situations. But simplify it by blaming the gender (or race, religion, etc...) I don't like is something I'd usually expect from people who are politically far right.
- Maybe she didn't want him to stay.
- Maybe she replaced him with someone who didn't want to stay.
- Maybe she doesn't know who it is.
There can be a million reasons. Sometimes its him to blame, somtimes her, somtimes nobody. 1000 cases mean 1000 different situations. But simplify it by blaming the gender (or race, religion, etc...) I don't like is something I'd usually expect from people who are politically far right.
Guy on the runI am also not so happy with the generalisation/stigma about the "absent" person. Does anyone here recall the term "Irreconcilable differences"?
Å tÄpĆ”n š¤@ausm I think the point made isn't about who is responsible for the situation, but rather about the its description. We say single mother but we say it because of the absent father. Why he left is another thing.
I don't entirely agree though.
@VeroniqueB99
I don't entirely agree though.
@VeroniqueB99
@stepan I would disagree, to say someone "is the problem" pretty much implies that that person is responsible.
Also, both terms do have different meanings. Children of absent fathers can have mothers that are in a e.g. lesbian relationship. These kids are then not children of single mothers anymore.
Same thing works the other way around, where the mother is single but the father is not really absent.
@stepan @[email protected] @VeroniqueB99 that guy youāre replying to just hates women. Look at the rest of his replies.
Pomegranate Pirate š³ļøāšš“āā ļø@ausm @VeroniqueB99
This! I did not stay, could not stay, had no help from family and it was a zero choice situation. He was good to the kids, and had the money, the job, the work-lawyer, the threats to take them out of country (I didnt know he couldnt).
Initially I tried coparenting, but with an abusive (verbal and coercive control) ex, you can't. And eventually it got so bad I gave up.
****There are so many many grey areas and things we don't see!
This! I did not stay, could not stay, had no help from family and it was a zero choice situation. He was good to the kids, and had the money, the job, the work-lawyer, the threats to take them out of country (I didnt know he couldnt).
Initially I tried coparenting, but with an abusive (verbal and coercive control) ex, you can't. And eventually it got so bad I gave up.
****There are so many many grey areas and things we don't see!
@ausm @VeroniqueB99 what an interesting take from a man who is up and down this whole thread blaming women for everything.
you're missing the point here
the post is making light of a bias in the common language
that's a good point
so just acknowledge the point
but you seem to have an urgent need to switch up the focus here
why?
calm down, don't get so emotional, and acknowledge the point of the original post without this unnecessary desire to switch the focus up...
almost defensively
almost as if the post makes you feel personally attacked
that's rather revealing Matthias
Frank Heijkamp@VeroniqueB99 Yep, that is indeed how it is. Naming and shaming. šÆ
hsolerkalinovski@VeroniqueB99 it might be just in my bubble or maybe it is a broader caipira thing, but I have always equated and seen people equate being a single mother with being stronger albeit injured, such as "oh she's a single mother, I wonder how she can do it, poor her, how strong, what an inspiration!"
@hsolerkalinovski ... agreed, to an extent... depends on the environment... which btw is 100% BS!
@hsolerkalinovski @VeroniqueB99 yes, if the kids grow up to be successful in capitalism.
If thereās any kind of struggle or disability or problem is at all itās the single momās fault according to society.
Robin Barton@VeroniqueB99 As a man, I couldn't agree more
JamesWNeal@VeroniqueB99 A woman whose husband died is both a widow and a single mother. A woman who left an abusive husband or boybriend to save herself and her child is a single mother (and smart to get out of the relationship). While some single mothers might want to point out the father just up and left, or died, or they wish was dead, others might just want to move on. Best every person decides how they want to be described/defined.
Furbland's Very Cool Mastodonā¢@VeroniqueB99 alt text please.
Kristoffer Lawson@VeroniqueB99 mmmmā¦ āsingle motherā (or single father) describes the situation at hand. I donāt see it as laying any problem on the remaining parent. āAbsentee fatherā is making assumptions about the situation and that the father is somehow to blame for not being there.
Given that mothers have stronger custody rights in many places, that is probably not a fair assumption. Or the father may be dead.
@Setok @VeroniqueB99 can you please drop a source that shows any state law anywhere that gives one gender more rights than the other? Unless youāre talking about a country that isnāt the US, I donāt know about custody hearings outside of the US
Iāve lived in six different states in the US, Iāve been a paralegal in three of them, and Iām not aware of any family law statute that mentions gender when deciding custody or visitation.
Can you show me Iām fascinated by this and I really want to read it.
@maggiejk @VeroniqueB99 Iām not even in the US so yes, by default I am talking about other countries. I donāt know what the situation in the US is.
Though it doesnāt fundamentally change the point about one statement being a neutral state of affairs while the other makes assumption.
Mans R@Setok @VeroniqueB99 Also, those phrases are not interchangeable, one referring to the child and the other to the parent.
mray@VeroniqueB99 I wish we said 'children of absentee parents' instead of 'single parent', because how is the kid that left the problem?
No, still makes no sense.
@mray @VeroniqueB99 hmm, she didnāt say daddy issues, thatās generally the insult I see thrown at children who grow up with a single parent.
But yeah, we really need to stop saying ādaddy issues!ā as an insult to women when men are failing to live up to their responsibilities.
CyI'm not sure all the fathers who were incarcerated would really appreciate being accused of wilfully abandoning their family. Not to mention fathers forbidden to see their children by court order. And abusive fathers would appreciate our approval when they don't fuck off, because then they're not absentees. Why not just call them "children?" or better yet "people?"