Canadian federal politics: like a group project where everyone hates each other, half the class forgot it was due, and someone insists we try communism again. Here’s a suitably wry guide to the currently registered cast of characters—one dysfunction at a time…
#cdnpoli #CanadaPolitics 🇨🇦🍁
1/17
1. Liberal Party of Canada
Our natural governing party—if by “natural” you mean “like mold in a damp basement.” Experts at promising the world, delivering a coupon, and posing for a selfie on the way out. Where bold promises meet selective amnesia.
#TeamRed
2/17
2. Conservative Party of Canada
Like your grumpy old uncle who still rants about the GST and thinks carbon is a hoax. Offers solutions to problems you didn’t know existed—like drag queens in libraries—while ignoring the ones you can’t afford to heat.
#TeamBlue
3/17
3. Bloc Québécois
They’re not mad, just déçu. Federal party that doesn’t want to be federal, nationalists who love the perks of Parliament Hill. Wants sovereignty—but maybe after the next pension cheque clears.
#BlocParty
4/17
4. New Democratic Party (NDP)
Dreams big, spends bigger. Will tweet about billionaires from an iPhone while begging Liberals to do slightly more socialism.
#TeamOrange
5/17
5. Green Party of Canada
Environmentalists with a flair for self-sabotage. Known for planting trees and accidentally setting fire to their own credibility every few years. Unites people who agree on climate and disagree on literally everything else.
6. People’s Party of Canada (PPC)
Maxime Bernier’s hyper-libertarian revenge fanfic. Anti-everything but mostly anti-vax, anti-immigrant, and anti-basic public health. Thinks “personal freedom” means yelling in Costco.
#PPCult
7/17
7. Canadian Future Party
Never heard of them? That’s because they live in the future—just not our future. Possibly a time-travel paradox masquerading as centrism.
#FutureOfWhat
8/17
8. Libertarian Party of Canada
What if Reddit comments ran for office? Wants to abolish the government, but on the government’s dime. Believes potholes fix themselves in a free market.
9. Rhinoceros Party
The only honest party: promises absurdity and actually delivers. Would nationalize Tim Hortons, appoint a moose to Cabinet, and still probably run Ottawa more competently than the last minority government.
#Rhinopocalypse
10/17
10. Animal Protection Party of Canada
Fur babies first, humans second. Not likely to form government unless raccoons become eligible to vote. Still more ethical than most of Parliament.
#AnimalVote
11/17
11. Centrist Party of Canada
Boldly stands in the exact middle of the road, ready to be hit by traffic from both directions. Thinks compromise is a personality trait.
#CentreOfNowhere
12/17
12. Christian Heritage Party
Wants to bring Canada back to the ‘50s—the 1850s, to be precise. Bring back Biblical values to government, starting with abolishing fun. Still working to repeal the Enlightenment.
#PraiseJesusEh
13/17
13. Communist Party of Canada
Long live the proletarian revolution—just as soon as we get quorum. Super into Friedrich Engels, not so much into modern political relevance. Hates capitalism but can’t seem to quit Instagram.
#CommieCanucks
14/17
14. Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada
For when the regular communists aren’t hardcore enough. Mainly exists to hand out pamphlets that weigh more than their vote count. Will definitely win arguments no one else wanted to have.
15. Marijuana Party
Forgot they existed, didn’t you? So did they. Still around, just vibing in the political haze. Now that weed’s legal, mostly exists to reminisce about the struggle.
#LegalButStillHere
16/17
16. United Party of Canada
What if the PPC wore a tie and used spellcheck? Think traditional values, balanced budgets, and suspicious side-eye at anyone named “Trudeau.” Tries to sound reasonable while yelling into the void of YouTube comment sections.
17/17
Blake Hamilton