levampyreDec 9, 2024
Dear fellow autistic or monotropic peers, I need your advice. I struggle with taking "me time", esp. in stressfull tides. How do you do it? How are you able to relax when you know you have unfinished business? How do you not feel guilty (?) thinking about all the chores you didn't do today? How do you drop tasks you or your loved ones depend on? And how do you give away responsibility, when it means that you also lose control over how things are done? @actuallyautistic #autism #monotropism
Show threadlizzzzardDec 9, 2024

@levampyre I've burnt out and can give a few pointers from the other side of therapy.

sometimes it's a question of self worth. Most chores aren't actually worth feeling awful for. You are important, and thus, taking breaks is important. Maybe not more important than putting food on the table, but definitely more important than cleaning windows or tidying up before your parents visit.

Show threadlizzzzard

@levampyre Then there's also internalized judgment, having to be useful all the time. Taking breaks is actually perfectly okay! This can be internalized capitalism, or you only got loved conditionally when you did good.

This is tricky to deal with and what helped me can't be explained properly in a short post. I give hugs to my inner child and ask her if she would like to take a break.

Dec 9, 2024 at 11:51amWeb
Show threadlizzzzardDec 9, 2024
@levampyre and then there's the very rational argument that you won't be able to do *more* chores when you finally burn out. Believe me, coming back from burnout takes weeks of not being able to do anything. So just schedule breaks to avoid breaking yourself.
Show threadlizzzzardDec 9, 2024

@levampyre giving away responsibility: yeah... There's more than one way to do things actually. Getting things done at all is better than not doing them, but perfectly.

I hate the way my husband stacks the dishes in the dishwasher. But they come out clean anyway and I objectively don't have time to do everything. So I only re-stack the dishes in my weak moments. ;-)

Show threadlevampyreDec 9, 2024
@lizzard Yeah, I think scheduling breaks or scheduling "me time" could actually be the way to go. But then I also need head space during those scheduled breaks. So I really need to unlearn to judge myself for unfinished tasks. I actually do not have so much concern about others judging me, because I am perfectly capable of tormenting myself. I rationally understand that what you say is true, but I still can't seem to stop. Why is that?
Show threadlevampyreDec 9, 2024
@lizzard Even if nobody knows that I didn't do a thing or that I didn't do a thing as perfectly as I usually do it, I will always know and it will always leave a stain on how good I feel about it or myself.
Show threadkathaDec 9, 2024

@levampyre all the above, that @lizzard listed and clearly learning on an emotional level, that it is ok to not do the thing.

I love the dishwasher example, as it fits perfectly, I'm also not rearranging things on the drying rack, latley I'm even ok with using the dryer and not beating myself up about it.

What helped most, was saying it out loud. I know on a mental level, that me beeing hard on myself is of no value. But I was only able to start to change things, when I verbalized them, kind

Show threadkathaDec 9, 2024

@levampyre of using my partner as a second correcting instance, verbalizing (e.g. with methods of nonviolent communication towards myself), what bugs me, what I think must be done and what would actually help me right now.

Also cutting of big parts of the family and the internalized guilt that came with expectations actually helped a lot, though that is a totally different route and one I might not recomment for everyone.

Show threadlizzzzardDec 9, 2024

@levampyre because judging yourself was an important coping behavior once. They get ingrained into your unconscious, and unlearning them is not! easy. not at all. It even hurts.

This is really what therapy is about! Not just the finding out on a rational level, but confronting the (intense) feelings that come up when you try to behave differently. Holding them, ideally not alone, letting them pass through you, and building new behaviors.

Show threadlevampyreDec 9, 2024
@lizzard You are probably right. It HAS been part of my coping strategy. I HAD to be totally strict with myself and make no mistakes to fit in to achieve my goals. And so far I'd say I succeeded in life using that exact strategy - being meticulous and unforgiving of myself if I made the same mistake twice. I'm really not very accepting of my flaws, now that I think about it. 🤔
Show threadlizzzzardDec 10, 2024

@levampyre it's a good strategy. It has helped you survive and thrive. It's not a bad thing at all, no reason to beat yourself up about it.

And it's not necessary to stop that completely: it's just time to learn a new strategy in addition to adapt to a new addition.