And we interpret "push past your limits" as push yourself until you literally collapse from exhaustion rather than push past the minor discomfort that we push past every day just to survive. And we assume most of our lives that other people are doing the same and so we feel inferior since it's so much more difficult for us. But
very much this. and for me, given my illnesses/disability and childhood trauma, the autism is coupled with a need to prove that i deserve to exist / i'm not a burden / i'm worthy of whatever. so i can *never stop* đ
many ND people, not just autistic do not have a stop button, unless someone else presses it or their bodies/minds burn out.
Key example, I found myself hired at a fancy steakhouse in December 2019, less than a month after moving halfway across the country, mere months before the "official" outbreak of the pandemic in the US (we now know it started much closer to....exactly then).
Having newly moved, plus my own background of various other traumas including queer fleeing a conservative state and poverty upbringing, I was terrified on top of all this of underperforming and losing a job. Also apparently a common ND trauma/response. For the next year and a half, I found myself being one moment, given almost. "I'm scared of you, and equally impressed" ""praise"" by everyone, telling me they had no idea a dishwasher "could be that good" as I made myself comparable to a full 3-5 dish crew, solo.
But at the same time I was constantly being berated to keep up that pace as the long shifts went on! It's like hitting the nitro out the gate and HOLDING it...
@irotsoma @actuallyautistic I went through an entire similar length stint at various food factories before realizing any of this. That's the most unfortunate thing is, we get idolized as "superman" when we're crushed into excelling beyond what anyone thinks one person is capable of. But if we don't understand what we're being subjected to, and we don't have ND peers who can recognize and intervene. Nobody realizes the cost, and instead we end up normalizing that "boost" state until it can literally take us out. Then get punished for when that juice runs out later on, or hasn't "been refilled" by the next time we're asked to use it.
Explains why I never understood the "second gear!" metaphor there, because I was already on 3rd the whole time, then dropping down to 1st towards the end just to survive.
@irotsoma @actuallyautistic i tend to work at a faster, more intense pace than my neurotypical co-workers. has been this way for as long as i can remember.
for example, i had bronchitis last year for 6 weeks, and i only took off a single day.
i would tell my boss over and over again during that 6 weeks i was sick and running "slowâ. not once did he tell me to take time off to recuperate.
why? because my "slow" is the standard pace the rest of my peers work at all the time.
@irotsoma
@actuallyautistic @darkfox
This has, on multiple occasions, nearly resulted in my death
@irotsoma @actuallyautistic (1/2) Itâs not exactly the same, but I felt that anytime someone referred to me as âblockheadedâ or thought that I lacked variety in any sort of media, I would seek out other shows (books, film, albums, etc.) to prove them wrongâat face value more or less.
This is particularly bad with podcasts over the years, where I would have a growing back-catalog for my comfort food podsâCheapShow & Stone Age Gamer for exampleâwhileâŚ
@irotsoma @actuallyautistic (2/2) âŚfeeling overwhelmed at the numerous shows I feel like I need to listen to.
I donât think I ever took âdo your bestâ as âoverclock yourselfâ, although I did have a hard time parsing what it meant when I was a kid. One of my former co-workers would tell me to âwork smartâ not âhardâ, meaning to stand back, find the most efficient path forward, and donât overwhelm yourself since your only one person.
Knowing that has helped immensely!
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