What are the rules?
Hello gay people in my phone. My child (16) sort of came out as trans to me today. I have been here for the memes for a while, and ive long been a supporter of gay and trans rights. Do yall have any recommendations of resources for parents of trans kids? I want to help and support them correctly and to the best of my abilities. Looking for maybe books and communities? Thank you.
i recommend practicing pronouns and terms of relation, thats the biggest thing from my perspective. just listen to what they tell you and believe it.
coming out to people is hard, but in my experience the sooner you feel comfortable telling people close to you the easier it is to start telling anyone. not recommending you encourage coming out, but being there to provide positivity and validation about their feelings is huge.
The only hesitation I’d give with this advice is, it may be better to wait on pronouns until they’re more fully out. It sounds like they have family they are NOT ready to know, and… Well, you can brush off one or two misgenderings without much suspicion, but eventually it could leak some information they don’t want out yet.
I had a friend in a similar situation, out to close people, but not out to their family or strangers. We decided it’d be best to keep using he/him, old name, etc. for convenience and safety, until they finally fully came out last year. The only difference from my perspective has been to delay those habits for a bit. No situation is the same, though, and the parent would be beat served talking to the kid.
Yes, this is a concern i have as well. I have not discussed new names or pronouns with them yet because they havent shared any of that with me yet, and i dont want to rush them.
I have tried to keep my reaction to supportive but also not act like anything has changed.
I am currently using gender neutral pronouns in this post because it already feels wrong to misgender them even if they are still “girlmoding” (am i using that right?)
They are coming for a visit soon, and i plan to discuss how they wish to be referred and if there are other differences in how they wish to be treated by me at that time. Until then i dont plan to make many changes in my behavior. In a 1 on 1 conversations the only pronoun is “you” so it probably wont matter yet.
Hahah, I have no idea if you’re using that right, looks close enough to me.
I think that’s the best way to proceed. Each case is different, and each person is different. The only way to know is to talk to them. Like I said elsewhere, you seem like you’ve got the right mindset, and that’s 80% there. The rest you learn as you go, with the person you’re supporting.
General trans community. Rules: 1. Follow all blahaj.zone rules 2. All posts must be trans-related. Other queer-related posts go to c/lgbtq. 3. Don’t post negative, depressing news articles about trans issues unless there is a call to action or a way to help. Resources: Best resource: https://github.com/cvyl/awesome-transgender [https://github.com/cvyl/awesome-transgender] Site with links to resources for just about anything. Trevor Project: crisis mental health services for LGBTQ people, lots of helpful information and resources: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ [https://www.thetrevorproject.org/] The Gender Dysphoria Bible: useful info on various aspects of gender dysphoria: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en [https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en] StainedGlassWoman: Various useful essays on trans topics: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/ [https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/] Trans resources: https://trans-resources.info/ [https://trans-resources.info/] [USA] Resources for trans people in the South: https://southernequality.org/resources/transinthesouth/#provider-map [https://southernequality.org/resources/transinthesouth/#provider-map] [USA] Report discrimination: https://action.aclu.org/legal-intake/report-lgbtqhiv-discrimination [https://action.aclu.org/legal-intake/report-lgbtqhiv-discrimination] [USA] Keep track on trans legislation and news: https://www.erininthemorning.com/ [https://www.erininthemorning.com/] [GERMANY] Bundesverband Trans: Find medical trans resources: https://www.bundesverband-trans.de/publikationen/leitfaden-fuer-behandlungssuchende/ [https://www.bundesverband-trans.de/publikationen/leitfaden-fuer-behandlungssuchende/] [GERMANY] Trans DB: Insurance information (may be outdated): https://transdb.de/ [https://transdb.de/] [GERMANY] Deutsche Gesellschaft für Transidentität und Intersexualität: They have contact information for their advice centers and some general information for trans and intersex people. They also do activism: dgti.org [http://dgti.org] *this is a work in progress, and these resources are courtesy of users like you! if you have a resource that helped you out in your trans journey, comment below in the pinned post and I’ll add here to pass it on
I think this is a nice ressource (and also Doc Impossible is great in general)
Congratulations on being the parent they felt comfortable coming out to! Son came out around the same age, he’s 20 now.
A lot is going to depend on your location. Name change paperwork was a chore but not as much as navigating insurance for HRT. Public school was mostly okay but much was remote due to COVID.
Pm is you have any particular questions.
Cool, that's about the age I came out as a trans guy to my parents. They didn't handle it well but they came around after 5 years or so of separation. Anyway, this is something I sent to them that was good advice from my point of view: https://www.rainbowhealthontario.ca/resource-library/families-in-transition-a-resource-guide-for-parents-of-trans-youth/
I'm Canadian, so it's Canada-focused, but I'm sure most of it will still apply.
Ask them for their preferred pronouns, ask if they have a preferred chosen name, and ask for time to make those things natural to you. Then ask if they would like to go to gender therapy, take puberty blockers, or other age appropriate trans healthcare.
As for educating yourself, Judith Butler is a great starting point
Not preferred pronouns. Just pronouns
Please note that the trans community no longer uses the phrase “preferred pronouns” as it implies that trans people’s pronouns are a preference, not a fact.
glaad.org/reference/transgender
Op, glaad and hrc are both have great resources to dig into
hrc.org/…/parents-for-transgender-equality-networ… (see supporting your trans children page)
Please see Glossary of Terms: Transgender for more tips on how to create stories about transgender people. If you are seeking information about how to create transgender and nonbinary characters for film, TV, theater, video games, etc., please read GLAAD's TRANSform Hollywood guide. More resources for content creators may be found at glaad.org/transgender. It is
Connection Looking for a chapter meeting in your area? Resources Looking for resources in your area? Visibility Increasing awareness of our community. Are you a parent looking for quick help? Start Here New! Virtual groups for all! Parents, Grandparents, Fathers, and more! Click here for more information Our Mission TransParent envisions a world that honors […]
I will never not laugh at combining trans and parent as transparent.
I don’t even know why, it’s not even a good pun
But it’s like when Timmy wished for Super Vision
Depending on where you’re at I’m not sure I’d want to put mine or my kid’s name on anything that could be used to make us a target. At pride last year we spent some time talking to pflag and I ultimately decided not to give them our information, but took a card and flyer.
aclu.org/…/pflag-v-office-of-the-attorney-general…
Depending on where you’re at defending your kid from the state is now something that must be part of your calculations. If you can afford it, I recommend moving to as safe of a state as you can. Because feeling like your government is targeting you is painful, exhausting, and incredibly lonely.
Following a request from the Office of the Attorney General of Texas for records and documents related to its advocacy on behalf of families with transgender youth, PFLAG National sued to block the request in February 2024. Represented by the American Civil Liberties Union and other LGBTQ legal organizations, PFLAG is also a plaintiff in two lawsuits in Texas relating to gender-affirming care for minors.
Congratulations. First off, relax; the fact that you’re the kind of parent your son felt comfortable coming out to means that you’re already doing it right. The worst thing you can do right now is panic and try to change everything about how you parent; your kid is clearly grateful to have the parent they have.
Next up, don’t push. This is their journey, you’re just a passenger. Be there for them, listen, ask questions, but let them go at their own pace.
And in that same vein, as a supportive parent, understand that sometimes they won’t want you to be supportive. Your instinct is going to be too fight like hell for your son, and you have to understand that there are going to be times when they just want to keep their head down and not make waves. It might feel satisfying to demand to speak to the manager just because the cashier misgendered your son, but if it’s not what they want then you’re just doing it for your own gratification. Be absolutely clear with him that you will fight like hell for him, any time he asks you to… But be ready to stand down when he tells you to stand down.
Finally, understand that everyone’s gender journey is different. Don’t let your son feel pressured into being certain things just because they’re “manly” or whatever. If he wants to be the kind of guy who wears dresses and paints his nails, then that’s the kind of guy he is, and if he wants to be the kind of guy who drives a truck, slams whisky and hunts bears in the woods, then that’s the kind of guy he is. There’s no right way to perform gender, and being trans isn’t about how you perform gender. It’s just something you know inside. Again, you’re just a passenger here. Let him decide where he’s going, and then do whatever you can to help him get there.
But most of all, just keep being you. You’re already off to a great start. More than anything right now, your son probably just wants his life to stay recognizable and normal. So do some normal things with him. He’ll talk about the big stuff when he’s ready.
I’m a therapist who works with a lot of trans kids. The recommendations in this thread are great!
Since you specifically requested books, this is my go-to recommendation for parents of my trans clients: www.simonandschuster.com/books/…/9781627783248 . If you buy and read one book, this is the one I’d choose.
Im totally straight and married but love this community on the lemmy.
Glad you’re here with us
I’m assuming they meant “talking to the parent, using less complicated, more mainstream words, even if the meaning is a little wrong as a result”.
Which in my opinion is an ok approach, even though this specific parent, just by posting here, appears tech- and lgbt- savvy enough to probably know at least some terms.
Also, they could have just said ‘not trans’ instead, if ‘cis’ would be too advanced.
Actually scratch that, I get using “straight” as non-lgbt. It is how is very commonly used outside of lgbt circles.
But not a bad thought on its own. just maybe a bit othering.
CIS guys don’t talk to each other like “hey I’m CIS!”
There’s no reason to make it anything more than that. I was trying to be kind and considerate. I didn’t have the answers that he was looking for. I wanted him to know that there’s other guys here like him.
If you start the conversation and tell me you aren’t a typical CIS man, I’d respond that I was a typical CIS man. Does that help you understand?
Exactly, which is why I’m confused why you started off saying you’re straight. Clearly you said it for a reason, but it doesn’t seem relevant to anything, so I don’t know the reason. My best guess was that you meant it like “hey, I’m not trans either so I’m empathizing with you here” which is why I asked if you meant cis, because the opposite of trans is cis, not straight.
To clarify, I’m not attacking, I’m just trying to figure out what you meant.
This feels like a bit of an overreaction. There’s no identifying information, this is a small corner of the Internet, and they’re here looking for advice on how to be better able to support the kid.
I’d say if I was the kid and I ran across this post, if anything it’d make me feel like my parent is taking a ton of effort to understand and support me.
My first thought was “damn i probably have a lot more learning to do” and this is probably the most trans-friendly community im involved in.
I have trans people in my life, but it seemed more respectful to not out my kid to anyone who knows them before they are comfortable coming out themselves.
Yes, perhaps a screenshot was unnecessary, but i wasnt sure if there was some nuance i was missing that yall might have a better eye for.
I understand and appreciate your perspective, however i doubt i would have received such good information had i not posted here. Case in point: a therapist for trans kids recommended a book for me. That is not the type of person i currently have in my life.
I was concerned if i simply googled all this i might get low quality information since its such a controversial topic and many on the right may have poisoned some of the discourse.
I will likely remove this post once i stop getting replies based on your notes.
Sounds like you’re doing alright. I’d say keep doing as you’re doing. Don’t change anything unless asked - make this whole thing seem completely normal. Just be attentive and listen to your child. You probably won’t understand, at least not fully, a lot of what they’re going through. No matter how hard you try, unless you experience it yourself, it’s pretty much impossible, like seeing a new color. Be open to that fact, that things are quite simply fundamentally different from their perspective.
Be a safe space. It sounds like you already are. Keep doing that. No matter the situation the two of you are involved in, your priority is their livelihood. Safety, autonomy, backup, whatever they need in order to provide that.
They were comfortable enough with you to tell you, and ahead of two others who might have a similar “right” to know. Your response was to provide the support you immediately could, and seek assistance otherwise. Keep doing what you’re doing, bud.
The rules are:
Well done. Good dad.
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