it's pretty wild that I should actually be writing software and even once in a while going to conferences to meet cool people working on similar stuff, and in fact I would be doing that (and supporting myself) but I need a certain minimum amount of time alone* or my mind stops working right, and I haven't been able to access that in 8 years.
that's it. that's the barrier.
anyway I only have a few weeks left where I'm currently staying, and as of yet no place else to go and no money, so I am once again filling out forms.
literally just need someplace where I can be left the hell alone to work, so I can build my way out of this hole.
well also there's biofamily stuff happening but um, we're not there in today's round robin of task flailing yet so never mind that.
I would, you know, just work my way out of the hole anyway. the problem is, when I say my mind doesn't work right after too much social? I mean I literally get dumber. dementia-like effects.
I make bad calls and miss obvious solutions. eventually, I stop being able to speak and understand language very well.
this is called autistic burnout. it's real whether anyone believes in it or not. and it turns out it's pretty hard to make shitty websites when you've got an acute case.
I've got an irregular supply of shitty websites to make, and if I knew I could deliver, I'd happily take on more. but until I have basic control over my environment (and the ability to be alone, no asterisk, whenever I need for as long as I need), I won't get to choose when my brain is capable of working on tech vs when it's not.
now perhaps I should go the McDonald's route and perhaps I will. I haven't due to sprawl + lack of transport. but who knows where I'll be in a month.
anyway that's my story and why I've been quiet for a few days. I'm trying to bootstrap back onto a System now. tracking, bullet journal, etc. couldn't do it at loud house.
one of my big obstacles is cognitive. I literally do not remember what the fuck I need to be doing day to day when I'm this burnt. I'm A Real Smart Guy as many dickheads have told me in so many words, but this burnout is like ADHD on roids. I forget more details in a day than most anyone would believe.
now like I've implied in the past, I got my med stack sorted out years ago. so my morale is one hell of a lot better than you might expect after all this bullcrap.
so I am trusting the process and I've got my little stack of housing authority forms to fax in at 9:01am tomorrow. but it's very unlikely the state will provide. there is a legit migrant crisis, all the hotel vouchers went to migrants. who I do not blame at all. but there's none left for anybody, so that's out.
I do have some townie connections to try. they almost got me a unicorn deal once already.
but really I want to go back to the northwest.
also I would like to be fucking with software. and I have once again been almost entirely prevented from it by circumstance for approximately .... mm I guess another 6 or 7 weeks most recently. so it goes.
I learned to meditate at the exact right time in my life.
there are a lot more people trapped in random, entirely stupid situations like this than most realize, and some of them (me without medication or meditation) just tear themselves to pieces before they do get out.
many on this road know the drill:
halt and/or catch fire. come to rest. reboot. start again.
me, I don't know what I am. I've got an eval scheduled to take another crack at that question.
but if I do get my shit together, I'm still committed to @surfhosting (the selfhosting while couchsurfing guide) for ne'er-do-wells trying to be a dev while homeless. I know you're out there.
#actuallyADHD #actuallyASD #actuallyAutistic #actuallyBipolar #actuallySTPD #actuallySchizophrenic
deutrino