ᙖᖇƐ>ᜊᙃ ッWhat's the best question to ask someone who you don't know very well?
CandelestineSomething that’ll lead to fairly flippant, casual, low-stakes chit chat about completely unimportant bullshit. People like getting a chance to get a sort of baseline reading of you, so talk about flippant, dumb, unimportant things for a little bit. Preferably ones that they are 100% certain to have recently experienced themselves, so it can go back and forth smoothly.
Given the diversity of humanity, this is a fairly short list. Weather, food, free time hobbies, etc. If they’re like a student, or work in a particular industry, that opens up a lot of options. But for a stranger? Just got a few to pick from. So, just pick one.
They call it “small talk” for a reason though. The real purpose of the talk has absolutely nothing to do with the actual subject of the discussion.
ElTacoEsMiPastorThe real purpose of the talk has absolutely nothing to do with the actual subject of the discussion.
That makes it really confusing. What’s a good question, then? Ask about the weather?
Honestly? The weakness of the standard small talk topics is how common and banal they are, which bores people. I recommend them because they’re so easy, and the cost of boring people for a few minutes is fairly small.
But it’s not ideal. For ideal you need something flippant, unimportant but also novel. Since novelty is now valued though, that means you can’t be using the same thing over and over. Other people will probably have used it too, if it works, and that means its not novel.
So, the actual best ice-breaker topic? Some clever, interesting or amusing observation about something in your immediate environment that you can both look at. That adds thinking on your feet to the mix though, so is more of an intermediate level of social skill. Best to have the boring fundamentals nailed down first.
So, yeah, I’m perfectly comfortable leaning on something as dull as the weather. And it makes decent enough practice at chit chatting. But eventually picking more novel subjects that also fit the requirements is better.
The actual question would usually go something like “Hey, did you see that?”
Who are you?
Who who, who, who
Tell me who are youuuu
Tell me, who is this Encarnacion?
Do you like getting your asshole locked by a fat man in an overcoat?
Who’s asking?
Yeah who is asking ?
The most stupidly obvious question: “please tell me as much as you can about yourself”
My go to is “how was your weekend?” Hopefully they’ll drop enough information that you can turn it into a conversation.
It usually ends in awkward silence. 🤐
I hate when people ask me this because either it makes me think about how I didn’t get to what I wanted on the weekend, or how I was depressed over the weekend… On a good day the problem is that I mostly like to keep my hobbies and personal life to myself. I guess I’m probably hard to get to know 😅.
I know what you mean.
I started doing it because I noticed that I felt lonely at work, so I put an effort into small talk and making myself a bit more available. Part of that involved being more open about my hobbies and free time. It was worth it for me.
I had an acquaintance that started following hockey solely so she would have a conversation starter. I don’t have that kind of commitment, so I just do the weekend thing.
eezeebeeYou: "How was your weekend?“
Them: glares at you in silence
I kind of hate when people ask my things like that because I often had a fun weekend but now can’t remember what all I did so I have to stop and remember for a while before answering, so I usually just say it was nice and hope they don’t ask for more details.
Eh. Yeah. I don’t usually have a lot in common with people, so I try to find some common ground that can start a conversation. I’m not very good at noticing what people like/do, so this gets a conversation moving.
I also forget my weekends. Which turns into a topic of conversation too. 😬
I hate it for exactly the opposite reason - I seldom go anywhere or do anything interesting the weekend.
TeaHandsOn our old WoW guild application form we included:
“Please rank all of the Star Trek captains you know from best to worst”
and then gave them a nice big empty text box to go to town in. Some answered seriously, and exhaustively. Some only knew Kirk, or didn’t know any at all. Some chose to go off on a rant about Star Wars being better, or include a joke or tell an anecdote about their relationship to scifi.
Whatever the answer we always learned something about the person and that was a good jumping off point if they got accepted. We did get the occasional humourless “wtf this is stupid” type response but, shockingly, this was rarely the only reason we had for denying such applications.
What are you doing in my bathroom?
Jerb322Have you ever danced with the Devil by the pale moonlight?
I haven’t, but I’ve always wanted to. Do you recommend any favorite spots?
Crossroads at midnight when the moon is full.
I ask that of all my prey, I like the sound of it.
Have you ever fallen into a tank of toxic chemical waste?
CosmicSploogeDrizzleSo what do you like to do for fun? Or, What are some of your hobbies?
I find these much better than “so what do you do for work?”, which is what I’m asked constantly. “Yes, person who I don’t know, let me discuss work during my free time with you.”
I find that this backfires sometimes because many people don’t seem to have any hobbies
Pat_RiotIf you ask me about my hobbies you’d better have some free time and a comfortable seat.
🍿🛋️ Ok, let’s hear them.
Well to start I play the guitar, bass, two kinds of banjo, drums, synthesizer and sing. I’m not picky about genres. I record using a DAW called Reason. I made my electric guitar about 5 years ago out of lumber sourced from the cabinet of a dead transistor organ I could never quite get to work properly that my wife finally told me had to quit taking up space. I have a Lofi synthesizer and a theremin that I built also. I’m also slowly building a collection of homemade effects pedals.
I enjoy RC. I have a small helicopter and rock crawler truck, but no airplanes that are air worthy at the moment.
I build Gundam models, and have also dabbled in kitbashing unrelated models like cars and airplanes together. This hobby I share with my 12 year old son.
I have a couple of 1980s Honda 3 wheelers that I keep alive and occasionally ride.
I bake often and I will never be skinny again because I’m good at it.
Oh, brewing. I do like to make mead and occasional fruit wines. I’m especially fond of making floral meads with hibiscus or chamomile for example.
I’ve been known to paint when the urge takes me.
I have a 3D printer. I have even made a few useful things with. I designed a well working samba whistle that I keep forgetting to upload to thingiverse, and a few other things I have managed to wrestle out of blender.
I know I’m forgetting something. My wife calls me a hobby spider.
urshanabi [he/they]Sick, what synthesizer? I got a midi keyboard and use Reaper, what’s good about Reason? Also if you do wood stuff, do you do it by hands with a saw and chisel or with machines?
My synth is a Roland JP8000. Its analog modeling engine makes waveforms I’ve never seen anywhere else. The Super Saw is 7 saw waves detuned against each other. And the feedback oscillator capable of some fairly monstrous sounds. It also has the standard wave shapes and noise. Fun machine. Its best friend is a 1960s Wurlitzer electronic piano that it sits atop most of the time.
Reason is pretty much everything in one place. Besides having a nice pile of virtual instruments and a mountain of effects, you can also record audio from an outside source. That of course can run through any of the internal effects in real time. I find it visually intuitive and user friendly. The downside at this point with Reason is its price.
Woodworking I do with a mix of hand and power tools. I’ve had a few years to accumulate tools and toys. I try not to let any of them get too lonely.
I have friends that claim they “don’t have hobbies” but the truth is that they spend all their time with their kids and working.
So if they say, “well I don’t do much in the way of hobbies because I’m too busy working and taking care of my kids.” You can then follow up with “well what do you do for work?” Or “what’s the last vacation or outing you did with your kids?” Or “what are your kids interested in? How old are they? Tell me about their personalities.”
The fact that they “don’t have hobbies” isn’t necessarily it backfiring, you then just need to pivot based on their answers. This is just a way to break the ice with someone.
Everyone spends their days doing things, you are really just asking them “how do you spend your time?” Everyone has an answer to that…unless they are in a coma.
This is one of the questions that gives me the most social anxiety when meeting new people. It stresses me out because I don’t have any conventional hobbies. I don’t think dicking around on Discord, Lemmy, and YouTube really counts as much of a hobby.
I mean what Discords do you participate in? What Lemmy communities do you follow? What videos on YouTube do you like to watch?
You can reframe this and say, “I like to participate in online chat forums about the latest gaming news and technology (discord). I look for cool recipes and cooking techniques (Lemmy cooking community). And I love trying to find new funny comedians to listen to (YouTube).” I think if you narrow it down to the interests you enjoy, rather than “dicking around online” you’ll find that you have interesting things to talk about.
Obviously those examples are my own, but I’m sure you use those platforms because they feed you certain content that you enjoy.
CorrodedSomeone else said asking what your current obsession is would be a good icebreaker. Do you think that would be better?
I feel like that way nontraditional hobbies could be included so you could talk about things like Lemmy or whatever your favourite Youtuber is up to. Would that bring up the same level of anxiety?
makingStuffForFunJust had beers with my wife and a complete stranger. She was nice, but I was not in an n overly talkative mood.
Just asked her about herself regularly, and happily listened to her talk about herself.
Turns out she’s quite interesting. We both agreed we’d like to meet her for beers again.
But. Where you from? How’d you end up living here? Family nearby? Miss them? See them often? Your dad does WHAT for a living? We had a similar pet, does yours do X? Think you’ll stay here, or considering another area to live? So you’re not getting on well with your sister? I can understand that, what else have you tried?
Etc etc etc. All about them, but can be genuinely interesting.
enjoytempleWill you marry me
I am a team manager, on status meetings on fridays I always ask if someone has good plans for the weekend, and on monday I ask how was your weekend.
I get a lot of silence, and most of the time I tell some bits of what I did, but from time to time someone tells something about what they did.
I think that is good for the team, since we are all remote, it’s a little bit of socializing and have something to talk about other than work.
UndercoverUlrikHDAt my old organisation we always had mandatory “check ins” at the start of weekly meetings where everyone could say whatever was on their heart and how their day was going.
Always a bit awkward at first with a new team, but a month in and people would really open up, and it was really helpful as manager to figure how people were holding up. Especially during covid/lockdown.
Any examples of stuff that felt awkward at first and then was less awkward as time went on?
Just your typical stuff.
When you first start and can tell on their body language that they aren’t fully comfortable and don’t know what to share. You’ll get the usual boiler plate answer like “it’s all fine”, “looking forward to start working”, “it’s sunny today so I’m happy”, etc…
After a month or two people will be a lot more relaxed and comfortable sharing whatever is on their heart. You could end up hearing a minutes long ramble summarising someone’s week, or if they are tired whey would usually say so and explain why.
It really helped to get people familiar and comfortable with each other despite the meetings being there primarily for work. Having people getting comfortable being open and honest is a godsend for whoever is managing the team.
It’s one of the things that everyone would be positive about when we did one to one meetings with everyone in the org twice a year.
BjörnWhat’s your favourite dinosaur?
What’s your favorite dinosaur?
Thanks to Jurassic Park it was the Velociraptor. But then I learned that their depiction was totally wrong. But then again my children taught me that they are even cool as murder chickens. So everything is well.
But still, I think the Emu is cooler.
Hell yeah murder chicken packs have to be scary!
Seen any good movies or shows lately?
Ragdoll XNo I don’t have the attention spand for anything over 10min I only watch TikTok compilations on YouTube
“Who are you and how did you get into my house?”
I’m a locksmith, and, I’m a locksmith.
“Nothing out of 3, click out of 5…”
PantherinaWhat do you think is the purpose of life?
LUHGMaybe a 4am first time meet while high.
HubertMannewhat are you think about climate change
loobkoobMy usual go-to is to ask what their latest/current obsession is. It works really well for a few reasons:
- it's nice and simple to ask - it doesn't require a monologue/wall of text to set up, and it doesn't require you to know anything about them to ask it;
- it's both as personal and as low-stakes as they want it to be. They can give very intimate, in-depth answers if they feel like it, or they can just mention something like the latest film they enjoyed. There's no risk of making them uncomfortable by asking it;
- it lets you filter out boring people who don't really take interest in anything;
- assuming they do have interests, it often gives you plenty of opportunities to dive into deeper conversation;
- it's often engaging for them because they get to talk about something they're passionate about;
- it's often interesting for you because people talking about things they're passionate about is awesome (and often attractive).
- it's pretty much always relevant and fresh because their latest obsession will change over time. This makes it particularly great for things like dating sites/apps because people's bios will often be out of date and/or they'll have talked about the things mentioned in their bio so much that they're kind of sick of them.
I've actually had multiple people on dating sites tell me how great a question they think it is, and that they're going to use it themselves in the future. So obviously it's not just me who thinks it's a great question!
I sometimes ask what has been keeping them busy, usually like that, I find it doesn’t work. What sort of phrasing do you use? Or is what I asking like really different from what you are referring to?
Pretty different, I’d consider it. Something may keep me busy, while not being passionate about it.
I (body) am normally busy bc of work-related shenanigans, but I (mind) am obsessed with the latest game installed on my PC.
That sounds really cool.
@fellow germans: How can I express this in german? The literal translation “Was ist deine aktuelle Obzession?” doesn’t sound right, because of the different meanings of obsession. Maybe “Welches Thema beschäftigt dich gerade?”, though this also doesn’t seem to have the correct ring to it.
How to Use the FORD Method in Conversations
FORD stands for "Family," "Occupation," "Recreation" and "Dreams." Use the FORD method in conversations by asking questions about these topics when talking to others. This technique can be used in settings ranging from blind dates to business dinners, to help others feel comfortable ...