Linda van der PalOct 16, 2023
calcifer 🧯

Reminder that people who have seemed to be the most resilient over the past decade of upheaval are likely people who have developed coping skills through surviving past trauma. They’re also the least likely to be getting the necessary support because they’re givers of support and lots of their circle just assumes “oh they’re strong, they’re fine”

Check on the caretakers. Don’t just do so casually, because they’re used to having to say “I’m fine”. They need to be seen, appreciated, and given care just like the rest of us

Oct 13, 2023 at 1:40pmWeb
Show threadDavid John CrookOct 13, 2023
@calcifer Yes. Good toot.
Show threadAmeliaOct 13, 2023

@calcifer Yes.

Yes we do.

Show threadyunchtimeOct 14, 2023

@calcifer

this is absolutely true! call your people and give them your blessings.

Show threadPeterD 🇩🇪 🇨🇦Oct 14, 2023
@calcifer #yup.
Show threadStacey CorneliusOct 14, 2023
@calcifer Oof. I feel this.
Show threadGrant   🇨🇦Oct 14, 2023
@calcifer Or we just fade deeper into the background, until we disappear.
🤔 🤷🏼‍♂️ 🤬 🤨
Show threadAphrodite (recharging)Oct 14, 2023

@graand @calcifer

…the worst part is some of us feel we want to disappear and some of us feel we need to disappear.

withstanding nightmares none should has a heavy price.

Show threadKatzedecimalOct 14, 2023
@calcifer
Honestly, we assume we're fine, too. We've lost the ability to tell when we're not, & often we've lost the ability to ask for help when we do figure out we're not fine (b/c either the "help" we receive has been poor to useless, or our requests have been denied too often, or both)
@MsHearthWitch
Show threadWillow (she/her)Oct 14, 2023

@Katzedecimal @calcifer oh fuck that is such a mood tho. Especially the help being useless.

I didn't used to be such a control freak about things but after repeatedly being let down in magnificent fashion I have developed a "fuck I'll just take care of it myself" attitude. And this definitely extends to my mental well-being.

Show threadKatzedecimalOct 14, 2023
@MsHearthWitch
The whole reason I became a life coach & a Hynni practitioner is b/c so many ppl get denied the help they need. I can't always give the help they need but some help is better than no help & I do my best to not say no. I try to be there for the ppl like us who never had anyone else.
@calcifer
Show threadWillow (she/her)Oct 14, 2023
@Katzedecimal @calcifer Yup, that's why I went back to school for alternative medicine and am a herbalist now.
Show threadShadow D. Wolf 🏳️‍🌈Oct 15, 2023
@calcifer Periodic reminder that FINE is an acronym for "Feelings I'm Not Expressing."
Show threadΨ*ΨOct 15, 2023
@calcifer this assumes we know how to receive care
Show threadVampiric slime kitty Melody Oct 15, 2023
@calcifer Yes please. I was (and still am) in that position but also currently falling apart slowly. I just have to hold on hopefully only until about September next year
Show threadVincarsiOct 15, 2023
@calcifer thank you for saying this. I have been "a helper" my whole life. I've always found the experience of someone being happier with their life due to something I've done to be immensely satisfying. The problem is that satisfaction alone doesn't pay the bills or buy groceries, and asking for help when your needs are unusual (I'm neurodivergent) becomes a social minefield fast. So my altruistic habits have left me stuck not only unable to help people, but barely able to support my own family
Show threadKundalini KingOct 15, 2023

@calcifer "I am strong, too strong. I unintentionally went beyond the limits of where men should, alone. Alone now, with my Burdens, for 3 yrs. I seek to make to best of my situation here in isolation."

The best I cam do is to "Know Thyself", I am bot the only one. 3 yrs and only one person askek me if I was ok. It was only months ago. I said "No, Im not. But Ill survive." (Coping)

And thats why Im here on Mastodon. To share what Ive learmed, in hopes that it holds some value to someone.

Show threadIlliath The FaeOct 20, 2023

@calcifer This is actually a really important thing to bear in mind, in all sorts of "helping" positions. Amongst mental health workers, there's a known condition called "Compassion fatigue", it's where you just "burn out" helping people and forget to look after yourself.

Having a person to help take some of the "mental load" is really helpful, be it a friend, neighbor, religious person (or even therapist) is extremely helpful. It is going to be hard for someone in that position to take the assistance of those they feel they should be helping though.

I have seen this a few times with people who give of themselves, but haven't received training in how to deal with their own self care, and they seem to react well to comparing it to something like a plane flight, and you get that speech about "put on your mask before helping others"... I then explain how, in such a situation, even if they think can help someone else quickly, they don't see the strain this is putting them under. Sometimes taking time to help yourself, actually helps people better in the long term.

And this is the case, even if the person doesn't have acknowledged pain or trauma in their history, and also that some of us... are great at (to borrow a phrase from the ASD community), masking.

Self-care doesn't need to happen alone. And sometimes, self-care needs to be mandated (or just triggered) from outside.