starlordAug 22, 2023

Trouble navigating differences in enthusiasm for sexual intimacy

https://lemm.ee/post/5102314

Trouble navigating differences in enthusiasm for sexual intimacy - lemm.ee

I’m struggling with the giant divide in the, shall we say, amorous appetite between my spouse (mid-30’s F) and me (mid-30’s M). Due to dissimilar but equally traumatic backgrounds, we have very different opinions of sex (and physical expression of affection in general) in utility, execution, and significance. I am exceedingly (and uncomfortably, for her) voracious/enthusiastic, whereas she is almost painfully hesitant and reluctant. I’ve recently started learning to address this by trying to understand her perspective more, but there’s still a long way to go, as healthy communication about this topic is in its infancy, after nearly a decade together. As well, I’m learning to be more introspective about my own motivations. However, I can’t help the feeling (as I go through my process) that I am putting more emphasis on learning to suppress my needs (for physical affection) than actually getting my needs met. Akin to telling a starving man to “learn to be not hungry” rather than giving him anything to eat. I’m sure there’s a middle ground, but I don’t know how to get there on my own. I don’t want to be disrespectful of my wife’s feelings, and I don’t want to be so dependent on sex to feel good in my relationship (but old habits die hard). I’m here to see if anyone has a suggestion, a lesson learned from their own experience, or just anything that might help.

Show threadAnalogyAddictAug 22, 2023
Unfortunately, framing it as something you “get” is intrinsically a turn off, especially for someone with trauma. So long as you think of it as a need to be met, it’s going to put pressure on her and make her feel inadequate, which will only exacerbate your problem. Ultimately, she is the only one who can work through this with you. If she doesn’t want to, then you aren’t compatible.
Show threadIamdannoOct 13, 2023

How else is he supposed to frame it? If he needs it, it’s a need. I’ve been in a similar situation and the LL person almost universally sees sex as a desire, but not important enough to be classified as a need.

Honestly, anything other than food, water, & shelter are also not technically needs either, but that’s a retarded way to look at the world if you want to be in a committed relationship.

Show threadAnalogyAddictOct 13, 2023

Sex isn’t a need. You’re not going to die without sex. Framing it that way, as something that someone else HAS to provide you intrinsically objectifies them. Framing it as something you do together if you both want to puts it in the correct perspective.

Seeing sex as a cooperative activity is far from “retarded,” if you want to be in a committed relationship. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who demands things from you whether you want it or not?

Men are going to have to figure this out if they want relationships with women who are no longer legally or situationally forced to be with them.

Show threadIamdannoOct 13, 2023

Emotional connection is t a need, either, yet every woman I’ve ever talked to thinks it is.

If it’s a need FOR YOU, it’s a need.

Show threadAnalogyAddictOct 13, 2023

And if YOU treat your partner like someone who is expected to fill your “needs,” you’re going to end up with them unfulfilled. Which is exactly what is happening.

Strangely, women aren’t generally having a hard time fulfilling their emotional needs. Probably because they don’t demand it from others.

Show threadIamdannoOct 13, 2023

I don’t think I would want to be partners with someone who did not want to make sure that I was happy, and fulfilled, and my needs were met. Because I would absolutely want to do the same for them.

And it’s been my experience that women absolutely demand for their partners to meet their needs. Maybe you’ve just been lucky in that regard.

Show threadAnalogyAddict

That’s a false equivalence. Demanding someone meets your needs is going to make them want to meet them less, even if they started wanting to make you happy.

No grown woman I know wants a toddler for a partner.

Oct 13, 2023 at 9:35pmWeb
Show threadZahzenEclipseDec 19, 2023

Expecting your partner to fill your needs is adult behavior my friend. I think you have a very one sided view of what relationships would be and if relationships were only what you are saying they should be, they'd be pointless to get into.

Also your whole argument about women getting their emotional needs met by non sexual relationships is a red herring for this discussion because that has mote to do with what is acceptable societally.