The Times is right — e-bikes are a scourge and we must do everything we can to protect our fragile SUV-driving elites from these teen terrors. I propose we construct a nationwide network of separated e-bike enclosures to segregate these monsters from god-fearing motorists.

I’ve attached one such example from a European petrostate that has spent years valiantly protecting cars from the ravages of cycling. With work, we may be able to reduce the number of cyclist-on-motorist deaths to zero.