Mastodawn

SlowestLlama Jul 8, 2023

AITA for expectinf my partner to spend time with me instead of playing DND?

https://lemmy.world/post/1208322

AITA for expectinf my partner to spend time with me instead of playing DND? - Lemmy.world

I (29f) have been with my partner (33m) for 2 years, living together 1 year. I have an issue with the amount of time he plays dungeons and dragons, compared to how much time we spend together. For context; Monday - we both work. He finishes at 4/5, I get home just after 6. 7pm he goes to play DND. Tuesday - I get home just after 6 and we have his daughter. Wednesday - same as Tuesday. Thursday - same as Monday, 7pm he goes to play DND. Friday - both tend to have the evening off, but he usually has to work. Weekends - I’m free (unless I agree to work overtime on Saturday which is rare), he used to work all weekend. Now however, on a Saturday he works 9 or 10am-12pm. Has a 6 hour break, then goes back to work at 6pm until they close (works in a restaurant). Here’s the problem, I got excited thinking we can actually spend time together in this 6 hour window. We rarely get to spend time together (without his daughter), so it’s nice we now have the opportunity to. However, he’s decided he’s going to play more DND during this 6 hour window. I’m so sick of coming second to DND, I have no issue with the game itself, just the fact he’s so quick to ditch me for it. I love that he has his own hobbies, but we’re rarely intimate and never spend time together. I just feel like roommates at this point. AITA?

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rockstarpirate Jul 8, 2023

NTA. And potentially NAH, depending on whether or not you two have communicated about this already. I think it’s good you seem to recognize that your problem isn’t actually how much time he spends on his hobbies, whatever they are, but that you feel like he isn’t spending any time together just with you. I would guess that if you were able to spend adequate time together, you wouldn’t care how much time he spends on hobbies.

My advice would be to approach this topic with him from that angle. Rather than “I don’t like how much you play DnD,” it may be better to try “I feel sad that we never spend time together just the two of us, how can we fix that and strengthen our relationship?”

Obviously I don’t know your husband, but I also can’t shake the feeling that he may be using DnD as an escape from something. In other words, as some kind of coping mechanism for something he’s struggling with. If this is correct, helping him find a healthier way to help to cope with whatever it is may make things better for everybody.

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jbrains Jul 8, 2023

Indeed. If you can articulate your unmet needs and let him decide what to do about it, that seems likely to work better than appearing to try to control his behavior.

Good luck.

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gk99

I can confirm, my now-wife expressed on a few occasions throughout our ~7 years of dating that she wanted to spend more time together or didn’t feel like I was paying attention to her, and I’ve made what I feel are some very minor concessions to accommodate that, like simply asking how she’s doing every now and then when we’re doing our own things, and staying off my phone when we go out to eat. Communication, even when it’s difficult, is the most important part of a successful relationship.

I get that DND is a group activity and it gets complicated if not everyone can arrive, but surely they’ll understand and let the guy find some time for his romantic partner.