SlowestLlamaJul 8, 2023

AITA for expectinf my partner to spend time with me instead of playing DND?

https://lemmy.world/post/1208322

AITA for expectinf my partner to spend time with me instead of playing DND? - Lemmy.world

I (29f) have been with my partner (33m) for 2 years, living together 1 year. I have an issue with the amount of time he plays dungeons and dragons, compared to how much time we spend together. For context; Monday - we both work. He finishes at 4/5, I get home just after 6. 7pm he goes to play DND. Tuesday - I get home just after 6 and we have his daughter. Wednesday - same as Tuesday. Thursday - same as Monday, 7pm he goes to play DND. Friday - both tend to have the evening off, but he usually has to work. Weekends - I’m free (unless I agree to work overtime on Saturday which is rare), he used to work all weekend. Now however, on a Saturday he works 9 or 10am-12pm. Has a 6 hour break, then goes back to work at 6pm until they close (works in a restaurant). Here’s the problem, I got excited thinking we can actually spend time together in this 6 hour window. We rarely get to spend time together (without his daughter), so it’s nice we now have the opportunity to. However, he’s decided he’s going to play more DND during this 6 hour window. I’m so sick of coming second to DND, I have no issue with the game itself, just the fact he’s so quick to ditch me for it. I love that he has his own hobbies, but we’re rarely intimate and never spend time together. I just feel like roommates at this point. AITA?

Show threadrockstarpirate

NTA. And potentially NAH, depending on whether or not you two have communicated about this already. I think it’s good you seem to recognize that your problem isn’t actually how much time he spends on his hobbies, whatever they are, but that you feel like he isn’t spending any time together just with you. I would guess that if you were able to spend adequate time together, you wouldn’t care how much time he spends on hobbies.

My advice would be to approach this topic with him from that angle. Rather than “I don’t like how much you play DnD,” it may be better to try “I feel sad that we never spend time together just the two of us, how can we fix that and strengthen our relationship?”

Obviously I don’t know your husband, but I also can’t shake the feeling that he may be using DnD as an escape from something. In other words, as some kind of coping mechanism for something he’s struggling with. If this is correct, helping him find a healthier way to help to cope with whatever it is may make things better for everybody.

Jul 8, 2023 at 7:25pmWeb
Show threadjbrainsJul 8, 2023

Indeed. If you can articulate your unmet needs and let him decide what to do about it, that seems likely to work better than appearing to try to control his behavior.

Good luck.

Show threadgk99Jul 8, 2023

I can confirm, my now-wife expressed on a few occasions throughout our ~7 years of dating that she wanted to spend more time together or didn’t feel like I was paying attention to her, and I’ve made what I feel are some very minor concessions to accommodate that, like simply asking how she’s doing every now and then when we’re doing our own things, and staying off my phone when we go out to eat. Communication, even when it’s difficult, is the most important part of a successful relationship.

I get that DND is a group activity and it gets complicated if not everyone can arrive, but surely they’ll understand and let the guy find some time for his romantic partner.

Show threadThatGirlKylieJul 8, 2023

Or something else that could be done is that OP show interest in learning how to play D&D and then they can spend that time together.

Also, if they aren’t intimate like she says, there could be underlying mental health issues/body dysmorphia issues or dealing with something else and the OPs partner is using D&D as a form of escapism from whatever it could be that they are running from

Show threadrockstarpirateJul 8, 2023
Yeah that quick note about lack of intimacy is what led me to the guess that the husband has something going on he’s escaping from.
Show threadSlowestLlamaJul 9, 2023

Around 2-3 times a year, we will do a one shot in person with our friends. He has suggested I join his group that plays twice a week, but I have autism and ADHD and struggle to sit still for longer than an hour. I get restless if I’m not up and doing things. I also can’t concentrate long enough either. 2-3 times a year is doable, I can get up and go make a cup of tea/chill with the cat etc and then go back to the table. Twice a week he’s sat in his man cave for around 4 hours, it’s not something I can do. Plus I like he’s got his own thing to do.

I’ve spoken to him about avoiding issues, he then just tries to avoid that conversation. Therapy has been suggest, couples and individual (I already see a psychotherapist every other week), he’s said maybe.

Show threadSlowestLlamaJul 8, 2023
This has been spoken about a few times over the past couple of months. I love that he’s got his own hobbies and I have mine, it’s just frustrating how easily I’m forgotten. He’s absolutely obsessed with DND, any free time he’s making new characters and creating maps for future sessions etc. he does have avoidance issues. I’ve been in therapy for a few years so am able to open up and express myself. He’s not able to and just nods/agrees to get strained conversations over with
Show threadPlasticExistenceJul 8, 2023
I would ask him to go to therapy then. That’s not healthy, and eventually that will drive a wedge between you. He needs to be able to communicate.