SlowestLlamaJul 8, 2023

AITA for expectinf my partner to spend time with me instead of playing DND?

https://lemmy.world/post/1208322

AITA for expectinf my partner to spend time with me instead of playing DND? - Lemmy.world

I (29f) have been with my partner (33m) for 2 years, living together 1 year. I have an issue with the amount of time he plays dungeons and dragons, compared to how much time we spend together. For context; Monday - we both work. He finishes at 4/5, I get home just after 6. 7pm he goes to play DND. Tuesday - I get home just after 6 and we have his daughter. Wednesday - same as Tuesday. Thursday - same as Monday, 7pm he goes to play DND. Friday - both tend to have the evening off, but he usually has to work. Weekends - I’m free (unless I agree to work overtime on Saturday which is rare), he used to work all weekend. Now however, on a Saturday he works 9 or 10am-12pm. Has a 6 hour break, then goes back to work at 6pm until they close (works in a restaurant). Here’s the problem, I got excited thinking we can actually spend time together in this 6 hour window. We rarely get to spend time together (without his daughter), so it’s nice we now have the opportunity to. However, he’s decided he’s going to play more DND during this 6 hour window. I’m so sick of coming second to DND, I have no issue with the game itself, just the fact he’s so quick to ditch me for it. I love that he has his own hobbies, but we’re rarely intimate and never spend time together. I just feel like roommates at this point. AITA?

Show threadla_tete_de_melon

So I don’t have enough info to judge here but I have a few questions.

  • What happens on Sundays? You were detailed about every other day.
  • Is it possible on Saturdays between a split shift he doesn’t want to take on any activities besides staying in? I wouldn’t want to work between shifts
  • Have you talked to him about how you feel and that you’d like more 1:1 time together?
  • Foes he have commitments to sessions with other people on Monday and Thursday?

Obviously Sunday hasn’t been mentioned but it sounds like you guys get no personal time together for 6 days a week which can’t feel that great. Maybe you could talk to him about removing one of the Monday or Thursday evenings from his schedule?

Remember to use I statements when talking and discuss how it makes you feel. He’s entitled to his hobbies but if you are partners you guys need to spend quality time with each other too.

Jul 8, 2023 at 7:26pmWeb
Show threadLollerCorleoneJul 8, 2023
Yeah, even I found it odd that OP went into detail about what happens on everyday except Sunday..
Show threadSlowestLlamaJul 8, 2023
Sundays he works, I’m off. He may finish at 6/7pm, usually has to work though. On Saturdays he travels 20-25 minutes to go and play DND in person, Mondays and Thursdays he plays online. Unfortunately this isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation. I’ve said in the past that I feel as though gaming/DND is his top priority. He denies it, but it’s happened again. Mondays and Thursdays online are the same group, it’s a different group then on Saturdays. Stopping a Monday or Thursday session is an absolute no go. In fairness, that was something he did before we met. I’m okay with him wanting to do that in the evenings to unwind etc. these Saturday sessions have only been happening the past couple of months so it’s relatively new. If anything, I’d hope he would do maybe only one Saturday session a month, two at a push. Hope that’s given some more context
Show threadDeathsauceJul 8, 2023

If he's spending so much time playing it in person AND online then I do agree the time he's playing vs. spending time with you is alarmingly disproportionate, especially if he is spending some of that time at home but opts to play D&D online with friends rather than sparing it to have some quality time with you.

I think a deep discussion with him is in order. But no, you are not in the wrong for wanting him to dedicate some time out of his schedule for you.

Show threadLollerCorleoneJul 9, 2023
Okay, reading this, I am inclined to say that you are NTA. You need to tell communicate your feelings with him and see if he is willing to make a change.
Show threadCorruptBuddhaJul 21, 2023

Okay… So based on this new info I’m going with YTA. You know this is his main hobby, you know he’s passionate about it, you guys have talked about it in the past, why make drama? Why spend your time trying to make him feel wrong? If you don’t want to be with the guy as he is, you don’t have to be with him.

And he’s either an asshole or socially dense. If he knows you’re unhappy, and he’s just letting the relationship drag out, fuck that.