A NEW PRIEST AT HIS FIRST MASS WAS SO NERVOUS HE COULD
HARDLY SPEAK.AFTER MASS HE ASKED THE MONSIGNOR HOW HE
HAD DONE.THE MONSIGNOR REPLIED, "WHEN I AM WORRIED
ABOUT GETTING NERVOUS ON THE PULPIT, I PUT A GLASS OF
VODKA NEXT TO THE WATER GLASS.IF I START TO GET NERVOUS
I TAKE A SIP".SO THE NEXT SUNDAY, HE TOOK THE MONSIGNOR'S
ADVICE.AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SERMON HE GOT NERVOUS AND
TOOK A DRINK.HE PROCEEDED TO TALK UP A STORM.UPON RETURN
TO HIS OFFICE AFTER MASS,HE FOUND THE FOLLOWING NOTE ON
HIS DOOR:
1.SIP THE VODKA, DON'T GULP IT.
2.THERE ARE 10 COMMANDMENTS,NOT 12.
3.THERE ARE 12 DISCIPLES,NOT 10.
4.JESUS WAS CONSECRATED,NOT CONSTIPATED.
5.JACOB WAGERED HIS DONKEY,HE DID NOT BET HIS ASS.
6.WE DO NOT REFER TO JESUS CHRIST AS THE LATE J.C.
7.THE FATHER,SON,AND HOLY GHOST ARE NOT REFERRED TO AS
DADDY,JUNIOR,AND SPOOK.
8.DAVID SLEW GOLIATH,HE DID NOT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.
9.WHEN DAVID WAS HIT BY A ROCK AND FELL OFF HIS D0NKEY,
DON'T SAY HE WAS STONED OFF HIS ASS.
10.WE DO NOT REFER TO THE CROSS AS THE "BIG T".
11.WHEN JESUS BROKE THE BREAD AT THE LAST SUPPER HE
SAID,"TAKE THIS AND EAT IT,FOR IT IS MY BODY",HE DID
NOT SAY,"EAT ME."
12.THE VIRGIN MARY IS NOT REFERRED TO AS THE,"MARY WITH
THE CHERRY."
13.THE RECOMMENDED GRACE BEFORE A MEAL IS NOT;"RUB-A-
DUB-DUB,THANKS FOR THE GRUB,YEAH GOD."
14.NEXT SUNDAY THERE WILL BE A TAFFY PULLING CONTEST
AT ST.PETER'S, NOT A PETER PULLING CONTEST AT
ST.TAFFY'S.