Just got a call about my psychological assessment, it took almost a year to get the appointment and then it was reviewed in a little over a week.

The result is, yep, I have tics and they are probably related to my autism somehow. The recommendation is mostly that I ought to reach out to autistic orgs and talk to them about it.

Which, I guess is good? It’s probably not something more serious that I need to worry about.

But also, I think I’m pretty upset about it? Mostly because part of me was hoping there would just be something causing the tics that could be outright fixed.

I have found since I figured out I’m autistic and embraced stim regulation I’ve ticced less in private… but… tbh I hate that I tic. Hate it. And now I just have to face that I’ll have to live with it.

And I’ll probably never know why my tics became so much more prominent over just a few months, I have theories but now I know that certainty is not an option.

I guess I should have seen this coming tbh, I’ve done a lot of research myself and didn’t find any concrete answers, but I’d still hoped someone else could give me that.

Another one I saw in a compilation that made me go !!!!!!!

Discovering sensory sensitivities later in life can absolutely feel like an infohazzard! I am leaning towards thinking it is better to know and I get to feel more real and be able to solve some of the problems I now recognise, but also it can be super overpowering still
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJxaP4xN/

Also ngl it makes me super wary of things I *need* to do.

Case in point: I've needed to shower for maybe a week now? I'd been avoiding it because it is just so overwhelming. This morning I finally thought "fuck it, I'm in a good mood and feeling capable! Let's do it!"

And then I proceeded to have an AWFUL 30 seconds where I felt every wet and hot drop of water slamming into me and running through my hair, I might have screeched, I don't know.

I just realised, if my tics and autism are connected,

that means I have autis tics!

Looking up the local autism group that the psychologist recommended, and see they associate with the police *a lot*…

Yeah I’m going to be honest I’d rather check out the other one with puzzle pieces all over their website that seems like it’s 99% for autism mums.

I can definitely imagine an argument (however iffy) in favour of a group working with police for the purposes of training and mitigating police mistreatment on the basis of them just not knowing about autism but…

You’re retweeting the police commissioner on shit that has nothing to do with autism, using the group account too. And somehow you are also getting funding from the police?

That doesn’t seem safe at all to me. Big pass.

The psychologist did also recommend a few not-autism-related things, but they are all either CBT (been there) and/or trauma recovery/support (which I think I’m mostly done with by now).

It’s weird that realising I’m autistic is a lot of learning that things were just not made for me, and then I find out that even the things that were made for me aren’t really for me.

Anyway I don’t think I really *need* anything besides information right now, and I’m not having any difficulty getting that. I think most of this psych process is just so they can feel they aren’t completely abandoning me once I’m discharged.

All I needed from them was to know if my tics could be helped or explained and I got the answer, next I can figure out how I deal with that answer on my own.

Me (learning about how some people with sensory issues can find lights/sounds or other stimulation to be very painful): Wow that’s rough, I’m glad that doesn’t happen to me.

Me (hearing a sharp sound in a bright room): Ah! Ow!

Ugh even the little tinkle sound ivory made when sending that toot, I felt it in my neck.

Anyway I’m having a particularly sensitive afternoon I guess, but I’m just trying to enjoy how funny it is that I continue to be completely oblivious about what my own experience is, even when I’m trying to focus on it. Of course I’ve dealt with painful light, sounds, textures, smells, etc… but only now do I realise OH, that pain is pain! It counts as pain!

Great, turning my volume all the way down it still makes the noise, gonna put my iPad under a pillow to send this one but I had a thought I want to share:

It’s interesting how something as apparent as pain can be there and not noticed because like, it wasn’t supposed to be there. And I don’t mean in the sense that I shouldn’t be experiencing pain, but that this pain in particular was not socially recognised so I was unable to truly see it for what it was.

Unlocked another memory of doing autistic shit as a child:

When I was really young, I loved to answer the front door. LOVED IT. I’ve had a much more troubled history with that since then, but at the time it was kind of predictable, it was only ever one of three things and I could excel at the appropriate responses to each:
- Post, I take the post upstairs to my parents
- Guests, I go up and tell my parents
- My bossy friend, I do pretty much whatever he wants to do

BUT!

One afternoon I heard the doorbell, rushed excitedly to the door, swung it open…

And there stood a random kid from school I didn’t talk to, who smiled and said “trick or treat!”

I immediately slammed the door shut, locked it, and ran upstairs. I was not prepared for Halloween lol, and so yeah I didn’t excitedly rush to the front door after that.

See, every year at about this time I’ll post something like “we’re not destroying the environment fast enough lol” because I’m having a hard time with hay fever

Now, I realise “there’s probably a link between sensory processing issues and hay fever symptoms!” Since I understand this possibility I can look for help specific to autistics dealing with hay fever

But it’s so much harder to do because all the results are not that, they are from people outside of autism looking in

Anyway in the end the best thing I could do was just research hay fever in general and note how my experience differed.

Turns out, hay fever isn’t usually painful or overwhelming. For most people it’s just a bunch of extra discomfort while your face does gross things. For me it’s like I have millions of minuscule needle monsters scratching the inside of my face, it dominates my entire experience and after it goes on for a while it HURTS.

None of this is helped by parents noting that their kids have more meltdowns during allergy season, or that there appears to be a link between occurrence of autism and allergies. But those seem to be all the results when I look for hay fever and autism info together.

I just wanted to know I wasn’t alone, and those are not sources I can trust. I’d rather have found something like this thread - a personal account to say “yeah this happens”

Citation needed on that last one tho, I think it’s better explained that we simply don’t adopt typical adult mannerisms as much, which isn’t the same.

Anyway I also have a few theories:
- It could be just confirmation bias!
- many of us spend less time in the sun, that is huge IMO
- plenty of us are trans, and HRT is basically ambrosia
and finally:

But looking back I recognise that wasn’t fair of me. Everyone approaches things differently, even things they’re passionate about. And I can’t fault their approach compared to mine, I burned out & dropped out in the final year. I certainly learned a lot and developed skills I still use daily, but it came at a cost that probably wasn’t worth it.

Not that I had much choice, young and no idea I was autistic I had no reason to think my energy was finite. A crash was inevitable.

Anyway yeah, learning the ways I need to be easier on myself, and also on neurotypical people. Everyone has their own struggles and ways of coping, and nobody has it all completely figured out.

Besides what does any of it matter anyway, if you’re living a good life who cares if you’re adequately pursuing your passion. Do what is right for you, be happy.

I need to back up some files, clean the dishes, and sweep the kitchen floor.

Knowing now that struggling to figure out what order to do these things in is an ND thing helps me get less frustrated about it, but it does make me wonder what magic NT people have in their head that just gives them some sequence they can follow.

It is annoying but literally anybody can cast immobilise on an autistic person by giving them more than one task and not giving them an order to do the tasks in.

Maybe that’s why we so frequently have demand avoidance and strict routines, it’s the only way we can make any kind of progress through each day.

Anyway, order decided: backup, floor, dishes

(Backup: requires computer to be on, best to do it before the room gets too hot this afternoon.

Floor: I’ll be standing on when doing the dishes, it’ll be unpleasant to stand on a crumb during.

Dishes: least urgent)

In theory I’ll never be stumped by this set of problems again, but in reality every day is different. I’m going to be stumped by this set of problems again.

(And even now I’m questioning the logic like “oh but what if I need dishes because doing the floor makes me hungry??”

Life is hell)

This morning I’m looking back at my medical history with things like “depression disorder” and thinking “it was probably just autistic meltdowns.”

then I remember that I am on antidepressants right now and don’t get super depressed even when I am burned out or having a meltdown. Medication that works is almost scary lol.

“Antidepressants? Why am I taking these? I’m not depressed!

…

oooooooh wait, I’m not depressed because I’m taking antidepressants. Got it.”

Just had my first ever dream where I went non-verbal and just switched to my AAC app for talking.

It’s super cool how quickly my mind has just gone “oh okay, cool, this is part of me and I can rely on it whenever I need to.”