So, it turns out that inventing your own protocol when better (read: secure) ones already exist may not actually be the best of ideas. Who knew‽
Allowing posts be their own parent? Great idea -- let's do that.
Allowing IDs of . and .. when those IDs become part of the URL? Brilliant.
Allowing follows on a like? Sure, fuck it, sounds good, throw it on the pile; maybe we can (spoiler: we can) also let a like be the parent of a post while we're at it.
I am having way too much fun with this.

