Ooooooooooooh

Autism is the explanation for why people called me “psycho” at school. Honestly that had confused me for literal decades. Whenever I asked people why they said it they just said “because you’re like a psycho”, which is not very useful feedback lol.

Anyway I’m pretty sure it wasn’t ever meant in an especially malicious way, more of a “friends poking at friends” kind of way…

Wait… that is a way, right?

Anyway just to clarify that I recognise people use “psycho” as an insult, I don’t have an issue with psychopathy tbh. for a while when I was so deep in dissociation and apathy I thought it might apply to me.

Most of the things I love can’t love me back either, it’s fine if they don’t care about me so long as they don’t hurt me.

So I thought I’d download an AAC app just to have in case I became super non-verbal and needed it in a pinch, but…

It’s fucking amazing. Just by having it I feel like the pressure to *be* verbal is so much less. This kind of tool is so fucking empowering I wish I knew I could have this sooner!

The more I think about it I don’t understand why I was so hesitant. I use subtitles, handrails, benches, and all kinds of other things that help make the world a little more accessible. I could probably manage without them, but not nearly as well.

Life isn’t supposed to be inherently challenging! So long as I’m not hogging resources that others need more then all this stuff is fine.

But I feel like, this aspect of myself wasn't hidden. Even in a social situation I could explain this kind of trait. There was no secret about it.

So like, was the mask just that I (and everyone else) was oblivious about autism? Or maybe the mask was society hiding my autism from me rather than the other way around?

I've been wearing a fabric chewelry bracelet for a few days, and it's actually pretty comforting. I can fidget with the tie, and bite on it without worrying about ruining my clothes (or skin).

I was sort of expecting more tbh, like some big positive change... but really it's just a nice thing to have. Not some treat or a luxury. It's neat, it helps, that's all.

It's really frustrating because SO MUCH autism information and resources are by allistic people for allistic parents. And I get it, they often need help to support their child, it's great if they seek that out and genuinely support their kid.

But kids grow up! There's so much "I speak for them!" advocacy that ignores and speaks OVER people who can speak for themselves.

Revisiting an earlier thought in the thread about whether I see my autism as a disability…

Today I had my first serious meltdown since realising I’m autistic. It was pretty mild compared to some I remember but it absolutely fucked me up for the day (at the very least). And I don’t think anything could have been done to stop it. So yeah I am changing my thinking on this.

I figured that since I knew myself better and could find tools to regulate myself better with stims and a more curated/mindful sensory experience I could just avoid being disabled by this kind of thing… I think that was probably naive.

This stuff absolutely helps and I think without it, this would have happened much sooner and more severely, but even under perfect circumstances I guess sometimes my system will decide to fuck me over.

CW: I’m going to describe the meltdown in this post.

There was a build-up to it, I tried everything I could to balance myself out through the day but I kept getting overstimulated, unfocused, agitated, ticcing more and more and eventually it just reached a point where I was rocking on the floor, yelling fuck over and over as a tic until my voice was hoarse and sore. It was exhausting. And now everything feels pretty raw, like a healing rash getting caught on something rough.

As an example, yesterday I was walking home from the supermarket and basically feeling this meltdown coming on, I was trying to control my breathing and dodge a panic attack. Big slow breaths.

But that just meant I could smell and taste the air so much more, and I walked past a bus stop where people dump their litter behind the wall and my whole world was just a panic attack and that sensation. It sucks!

tbh it's frustrating to think back to the aftermath of past meltdowns for analysis because I had nod idea what they were, so I was just trying to block them out as much as I could and just push through. Bad for me then because that is not healthy, bad for me now because it means little memory of what I was actually experiencing.

Another day of thinking "gee it sure would have been great to know sooner that I am autistic"

Behavioural approaches lack compassion *inherently*.

If your goal is only about changing behaviour then you aren't treating anything. You are bending a person until they *appear* to be what you want, with no regard to the internal effect this has.

With autism, at the very best this trains people to mask at the expense of less understanding of themselves, loss of agency, and just a fuckload of trauma.

There's a paradox of autistic people writing really long and specifically detailed messages to one another, in a world where the overlap between autism and adhd is so massive.

It's funny but it seems to work out just fine so long as the people conversing are invested in the conversation. I have a theory that this is an ancient form of encrypted communication.

Also, spoons are just cool. I learned how light bounces by looking at spoons.

Okay I know I've gone off topic so I'll stop. Just, think about it though, spoons!

Decided to skim my twitter archive to see if I ever mentioned anything autistic and YUP.

looking back I used to say I fainted or almost-fainted pretty often... past Sophie, darling, those are meltdowns.

I do think it's pretty funny that after having a meltdown I jokingly said "I was allowed to take my mask off for a minute".

I was right in a whole way I didn't realise at the time!