First of all, meals at home: I was expected to clear the plate, and wasn’t allowed to leave my seat until I did. I would spend literal hours poking at peas with a fork (genuinely doing my best to try and make myself eat, but you can’t do what you can’t do).

My parents did not have the patience to oversee me for that kind of time, so when they left the room I’d sneak little bits off my plate and into the bin. I did it gradually because I was a cunning kid!

Sometimes I’d get caught and yelled at or worse, but I kept doing it for any meal I couldn’t stomach. For the most part I just got really good at wasting meals my mum cooked. (Sorry mum!)

But that’s not the interesting part of the story, see my mum also made my packed lunches, so I had complete adventures disposing of sandwiches I didn’t like.

At first, I used the bin at school. This worked for a while but I think a teacher found them a couple of times and started looking out for who was doing it, so my parents found out. From then on I had to bring home evidence that I’d eaten the sandwiches: a display of my lunchbox including the used cling film. Easy to do but there was no bin between my house and school, but there were people’s gardens, bushes, flower beds, the woods.

I left uneaten sandwiches EVERYWHERE!

Buuuut after a while I started feeling guilty, plus it felt like such a big risk. If anyone started to talk about sandwiches appearing everywhere then my parents would know it was me, I had to do something else.

So I started unwrapping my sandwiches and hiding them under my bed.

Look in my defence I was a child, I didn’t know what would happen, just that they were hidden.

So obviously my bedroom starts to smell, my mum decides to clean it and finds a pile of mouldy food under the bed.

From then on, I had to have one of the school dinner ladies watch me eat during the lunch break. But I still couldn’t make myself eat things I didn’t want to, eventually they got tired of spending the whole break waiting for me to eat something I wasn’t going to eat, I went back to binning sandwiches I didn’t like, and everyone just kind of accepted it I guess.

So I’m watching a lot of autistic tiktok compilations now because they are free piles of human connectivity just for me, but there is a problem.

In a few there is something I’d describe as a sort of autistic expressiveness. It’s super authentic, sincere, unreserved, and even joyful, in a way that is very clearly NOT neurotypical - and I have a bad reaction to seeing it. I feel so uncomfortable, “😱 oh no, you’re not supposed to be like that!”

My reaction is clearly some internalised unpleasantness that I didn’t know I had. It probably played a big part in me not realising I was autistic by making me averse to something so beautiful that I wasn’t allowed.

I thought I’d unlearned the “be normal” rule years ago but there’s still a lot of work to do.

Just to say it and be clear, I don’t like seeing autism as a disorder rather than just a different neurotype.

And frankly, it’s really bizarre that it is treated like a miserable condition by neurotypical people who will get tired of their favourite song if they listen to it on a loop for too long. 😛

Simple example: “Please fill the kettle.”
“How much?”
“A cup for each of us grown-ups.”
*task is performed, and then later;*
“Why didn’t you turn the kettle on?”

You didn’t say to do that! Besides surely if you wanted it boiled immediately you’d have said “boil water” not “fill the kettle”!

I’m not exactly like this now, but only because I have a lifetime of stumbling into this kind of thing. For anything new though, it’s going to happen still.

Overall, it’s definitely a lot, and I am very aware that when I’m actually listening to my body I look pretty uh… well, let’s just say it’s not something you get in the habit of doing when you’re masking.

However, alongside the rougher parts there was really beautiful stuff too, there were little spots of rain that looked like diamonds as they hit the concrete just before fading. I’m glad I’m rediscovering my senses.

An addendum though: hypersensitivity issues are often associated with autism, but many autistic people have no sensory issues, or hyposensitivity.

This is stuff in my autism thread, but that’s because it’s *my* autism thread. Autistic traits and experiences are diverse!

Also I don’t want to lend weight to the “autism is a superpower” idea some people have, I’m sure with focus most people could notice what I can, probably without the discomfort.

Just been told that mastodon doesn’t have a thread muting feature yet, so I’m switching to a collapsed CW so at least the posts are shorter.

tbh I don’t think most of what I’m talking about needs a CW but I this is probably just most convenient for now

Every sense itches this morning, it’s super overwhelming and I don’t know how to turn it back off. If I touch something I don’t like it feels like the sensation is stuck to my skin for a while afterwards.

How the fuck did I deal with this when I was just a child??? It’s no wonder I was so hesitant and reserved about everything.

“Oh, being non-verbal is a super rare thing for me personally, it’s only when I’m beyond stressed and overwhelmed that I can’t talk at all”

Then part-way into this video I see every discarded patron video and every moment where I’ve had to bail out of a stream.

Anyway really informative!

https://youtu.be/V3iqUAo0IeQ

“How the fuck did I deal with this when I was just a child?”

The instinct came back and I remembered - I lie in bed with my head between two pillows for a long time.

So I was going to post about my frustration at myself for masking as soon as I spoke to someone immediately after deciding not to do that, but then I thought about it for a while and I think I only did it to make them comfortable. which is fine so long as it’s not making me uncomfortable.

Then I realised that’s just… what I’ve been doing for a few years now anyway? Weird to think you’ve got shit to figure out but it’s already done.

There’s a pretty overwhelming thought about how I’ve noticed myself mimicking behaviours of autistic people that I’ve seen since so saturating my time with research.

It triggers imposter syndrome where I wonder if I’m not autistic, I just have this habit of copying people’s behaviour and adopting it without thinking.

Then I realise that’s like, autistic.

Which is really awkward when thinking about my identity, I don’t know what behaviour is my own? Most of the new stuff is likely just copied, but also most of the old stuff is too?

I guess that’s true for everyone to some degree though, right? I guess the behaviour that is “mine” is whichever is comfortable for me, regardless of where it comes from?

WRT the “that’s like, autistic.” above,

Specifically that’s a masking trait, one I think I developed to do unconsciously as a defence mechanism. I don’t expect it’s an especially autistic thing, rather that it was inevitable for me being autistic in a certain environment.

(Again, this is *my* autism thread so not everything will be universally applicable.)

It’s fucked up how much that very early shit wired how I approach everything. My very first nightmares were just the sound of him shouting. No monsters, no violence, just a noise that is really loud and scary. Of course I default to trying to be what people want me to be, and mimicking behaviour to fit in, and still have the worry that things will go bad if I make a slight mistake or misunderstanding.

Fuck, what an asshole!

Partially related, I remember at the end of primary school, I showed him my exam results with a bunch of fear.
“What does average mean?”
“It means normal”

I immediately smiled and felt so relieved, my dad said I was normal! Mission accomplished! …but then he continued.

“That’s not good enough.”

Apparently I had to be the best. So for secondary school I managed to get in the top class for every subject and was wound so tight I burned out. Thanks dad.

And now just a toot to change the topic and lose the extra CWs!

Happy stimming! Happy stimming is the best! It’s so fucked up that I held that shit in for so long because it is great to be happy and to feel the happiness in your body!