Keith StattenfieldIt’s a sitcom, called “The Don!”, staring Donald Trump, set in Rikers Island Jail, where Trump is sent by the judge for violating the gag order during the trial. He’s accompanied his trusted and world weary secret service agent Bob (no last name ever mentioned), who has the upper bunk in Trump’s cell. There are a collection of wacky prisoners in the cells in the block, including Cookey (he works in the mess hall) and who always promises the next day they’ll have hamburgers, but they never do. /1
There’s a recurring gag about Trump trying to arrange for a conjugal visit from Melania, and something always occurring to make it not happen, like the envelope gets lost at Mar-a-lago in the office there but later found under a pile of Top Secret documents too late to be returned. Whenever Trump tries to call Melania’s cell phone, collect, from the pay phone in the main area, she refuses to accept the charges. Meanwhile Trump keeps seeing her in newspapers out at various Palm Beach clubs. /2
Trump is always in an orange jail jump suit, even though all the other prisoners are in the common striped clothes. Every morning, at 10am, they have the jail “security” briefing in the common area, which Trump is always late for, and he never reads the briefings, even though they’re really mostly pictures of other prisoners and describing the feuds each of them has with others on the yard. Viewers who pause will see one episode’s briefing is entitled “Karl determined to attack in Cell Block B”
Every other Friday, Stephen Miller visits and they talk on the phone thru the plexiglass. Trump wants Stephen to work on helping Trump to escape, and elaborate but doomed plans are always discussed even though Stephen points out that the phones are probably recorded. Which they are, but later we see the guards listening to an earlier recording and laughing at the ludicrous ideas. One episode, two guards make a bet and help Trump to do exactly what he proposed the week before to see him fail.
Clarence, another prisoner, keeps pigeons in the jail, and feeds them and talks to them. The pigeons don’t talk back to Clarence; it’s not that kind of sitcom. Whenever Trump is outside, the birds do something annoying to Trump, either by shitting on him or dropping dead fish on him. Clarence always yells at the birds and tells them to respect the former president, but whenever he tries to describe a great thing Trump did, his explanation veers towards the truth and the birds seem vindicated.
One week, a set of prisoners reaches out to Trump to try to get him to join with them in an escape they’ve been planning. They describe the plan, and unlike all of the ones that Trump and Stephen Miller have come up with, would work great, and Trump is in until he learns that the only reason they need him to join with them is that at the end, someone needs to reach thru a hole to flip a switch and only Trump’s hands are small enough to fit, which he denies and then tells the guards of the plan.
Trump refuses to use any of the exercise equipment in the yard but he does go out there with all the others in his pod, and tells them about how great of an athlete he was and how many home runs he scored, how he could lift 800lbs before and still can, but doesn’t want to get seen as a “tough guy” because Ivanka told him to keep his head down while he was in jail. Sometimes he waves around a letter fro his doctor that says he is the best 78 year old in America, but it doesn’t actually say that.
If I was good, at all, about social media, I would have made up a hash tag for this. Like, #TheJailDon or #DJTJAIL or something. And I would have remembered to put the little “/3”, “/4”, etc. I am not good at social media, though.
Mike Pence writes a letter to Trump every Friday, and sends it, but Donald never opens them up and they just accumulate in a pile on the small desk in their cell. We see Pence writing a letter by hand, with looping cursive handwriting which is just a bit coded for gay, in the way that 1950s movies hinted at, and full of double ententres that Pence seems not to understand and which Trump also would misinterpret. #TheJailDon
Keith Rollin@keith_rollin Weirdly, I woke up at around 3am thinking “Don the Con!” as the name of the sitcom!
@Stattenf You must have a Mastodon client built into your brain!
aardvark@Stattenf Doin’ Jail Time