RISHI: Anyway. If we could focus on clearing the news cycle so people talk about a bad Labour MP for a bit that would be-
ANDERSON: So you say 'anged for der people?
WILLIAMS: Yes
ANDERSON: And 'ung for der-
RISHI: Look, guys. Please. Can we focus.

/3

ANDERSON: Okay, dey should av 'anged him
WILLIAMS: Oh well done Lee. Much better. I'll write that and-
ANDERSON: Or kicked 'im out of da country. To Rwanda. If 'e was foreign. Was 'e foreign?
WILLIAMS <writing>: 'was he foreign?'
RISHI: Actually Craig can we just not minute Lee?

/4

WILLIAMS: Not minute him?
RISHI: Yes. You know... maybe just not write down stuff he says.
WILLIAMS: About hanging?
ANDERSON: You only need 30p to make dinner
RISHI: About the hanging, yes. Or... well... anything really.

/5

WILLIAMS: I don't think that's how minutes work.
RISHI: What?
WILLIAMS: Well, they're meant to be an accurate representation of meetings. Like what was said. Or who was there.
GOVE: aND wHo hAD bIRThDaY cakE
RISHI: What was that, Michael?
GOVE: nOThINg

/6

RISHI: Look. All I'm saying, is that maybe minutes - work with me here - are about recording the IMPORTANT stuff. Said by important people.
WILLIAMS: He's the Deputy Chair of the Party
ANDERSON: I have a mate who can do der fake election doorsteping
RISHI: Lee, you're not helping

/7

WILLIAMS: So you don't want me to do the minutes?
RISHI: I'm not saying that.
WILLIAMS: Because I'm your PPS. If you take that away from me, it's just... doing the coffee. And giving you daily crypto price updates.
RISHI: No, I'm not saying that. Just don't minute... everything.

/8

RISHI: Maybe just use your discretion.
WILLIAMS: My discretion?
RISHI: Yes
BRAVERMAN: Sorry, just to check, what's 'discretion'?
RISHI: Don't you start
BRAVERMAN: I'm not trying to be difficult, I just don't know what-
RISHI: Look, let's just move on.

/9

RISHI: Okay, cost of living crisis. Updates please from-
ANDERSON: I reckon der nurses are lyin about usin foodbanks
RISHI: Yes Lee, thank you again and- CRAIG!
WILLIAMS:
RISHI: Were you going to write that down?
WILLIAMS:
RISHI:
WILLIAMS: No?
RISHI: Craig, I saw your pen move

/10

RISHI: Your pen moved, Craig.
WILLIAMS: It didn't! I swear!
RISHI: What did we just say about minuting Lee?
WILLIAMS: It was a muscle twitch!
RISHI: Craig...
WILLIAMS: Just an instinctive jerk!
RAAB <waking up>: Huh? What?
GOVE: wE'Re NoT taLKiNG aBoUT yOU dOm
RAAB: Oh, okay.

/11

RISHI: Just. Okay. Just... Lee?
ANDERSON: Yes boss?
RISHI: Don't... say anything until the end of cabinet, okay? Please.
ANDERSON: Nuttin?
RISHI: Nothing.
ANDERSON:
RISHI: Oh, don't give me the big sad eyes. Okay. Just... not opinions. Please.
ANDERSON: Okay boss. You der best.

/12

ISHI: Right. DfT road investment. How are we getting on with-
ANDERSON: I like roads
RISHI:
WILLIAMS:
RISHI: That's it?
ANDERSON: Yes. Dey is good for my mates in the scooter club
RISHI: Okay. Phew
ANDERSON: Dey have 'white pride' t-shirts
WILLIAMS:
RISHI: DO NOT WRITE THAT DOWN

/13

A reminder that if you like script-based political satire about our ridiculous politics, I have a WHOLE BOOK of it about the months leading up to Brexit for you. It has footnotes and everything.

Available in all good bookshops.

And also Amazon.

/14

https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/the-brexit-tapes-john-bull/7241921?ean=9781800182141