h from the website
The Author, Séamas O'ReillySo. This one time. I got my days wrong and ended up alone in a room with my boss and the President of Ireland while I was on ketamine.
Play the hits, right?
Right, this was when I was eighteen so don't judge me too harshly. Or if you think drugs are cool and I'm a legend, fill your boots. Anyway, at the time I was working through college in Dublin with bar shifts at [redacted] music venue. One day I get a call on my day off.
Way the gig worked, you'd either get Fri or Sat off. This week it was Fri, happy days. My manager, let's call her Dympna, pipes up on the phone: "So, when you come in this evening, just a few things to remember". I'm like, hold on Dympz, I'm off this eve, jog on. She corrects me.
"Remember I said you could get all of Saturday off if you just worked 2 hours tonight?". And of course THEN, I did suddenly remember, she'd said it to me as I was leaving the building and my conscious work brain was doing somersaults to get out of the place.
She could have told me I was to have my foreskin tattooed with a harpoon and I would have given her a smile, thumbs up, and a flurry of yeps to get out of the place. I was eighteen. On minimum wage, and - bear in mind this is really saying something - my absolute minimum effort.
So, I'm bang to rights and I say "yeaaah, of course, sorry just got my days mixed up, I'll be there no problem" and she says, "this evening will be fine, just the head of the [redacted] and some VIPs, few hours then you can take off".
All good. Except for the one thing.
At that very moment, I was in a mate's house on Dame St, relaxing with (I thought) nothing to do for the evening.
Now you have to remember that, before dabbing and fortnite, kids used "drugs" to get high and I was, occasionally, adjacent to them.
I was a fairly sheltered kid before college, and didn't even drink til I was well into my late teens, never smoked even. I was very green. So too, coincidentally, was the homebrew ketamine that said pal was making IN HIS OVEN when I arrived.
My pal had gotten it in liquid form and, for some reason, it had been dyed green - he has subsequently told me he thought it was a St Patrick's Day promotion, and I've always thought it a charming entrepreneurial flourish on the part of his enterprising ketamine wholesaler.
(Ketamine wholesalers are often vets, and the stuff originally for cats. People always say horse tranquiliser, either to make it sound more sordid or more badass, but ketamine is used on many animals, and vets have more use for cat tranqs than horses. Not quite as sexy is it?)
Anyway, for want of a better idea, I took him up on his offer of a line of this thick, vaguely slightly clumpy bright green powder, knowing I had nothing else to do for the evening. Felt nothing. Had a tiny further bump 10 mins later. It was at this point that my phone rang.
FLASHBACK ENDS, WE'RE BACK IN THE ROOM. So I'm definitely sweating after the call, not like instant come-up, more worried ABOUT the come-up. Never done this in my life, I've no idea how it's going to feel. But, absent any other idea, I get my stuff together and head to work.
On way to work, starts kicking in. You know when the roof of your mouth starts politely folding your brain in half, and your chest flutters like a cathedral filled with bees? I was holding it together but knew if I stopped concentrating for one second, I would become time itself.
By the time I reach work (twenty mins later) I am sweating like microwaved bread, eyes on hinges, convinced my fingernails owe me money. I have an overwelming urge to yawn, just to get the memories out WHEN in comes Dympna with the rota for the evening.
D: Thanks again, know it's short- oh, you look a bit hot and bothered, did you run here ha?"
Me: Hmnnnnnyes, I did - the dids is"
D: OK, just you tonight and the top man, he's showing the President what's going on for the next while"
[one beat]
Me: Sorr din you sez de presddyen?"
Me: Hmnnnnnyes, I did - the dids is"
D: OK, just you tonight and the top man, he's showing the President what's going on for the next while"
[one beat]
Me: Sorr din you sez de presddyen?"
D: Yes, Mary McAleese is in to see this season's programme of events.
Me: Hmmnggg
D: All you need to do is stand in the corner and offer them drinks every fifteen minutes.
Me: Ahhh yesssshnshh
D: Maybe have a wash beforehand
Me: Hmmnggg
D: All you need to do is stand in the corner and offer them drinks every fifteen minutes.
Me: Ahhh yesssshnshh
D: Maybe have a wash beforehand
So the gig is this: Mary McAleese (the *original* MMA) was to go round this room upstairs which had upcoming acts for the season illustrated with photographs and programme notes. The director of [redacted] would walk her around and say "fricken great, Madge innit?" or whatever.
My role is pretty weird, I have to stand in the corner and then every 15 mins, INTERRUPT this live-wire pair to offer them drinks, which protocol dictates they must refuse. I have barely processed any of this before I'm grabbing a tray and heading upstairs.
The tray, btw, contains a white wine, a red wine, a G&T, a whiskey, a rum and coke and some mineral waters. Always found that mix weird. Imagine the President of Ireland seeing the rum and coke and going "oooooh nice one, ta - now tell me about this Latvian choir again".
Right now I can hold it together when stimulated, when the adrenaline and fear is keeping me just ticking over - I'm weird but with it. Problem is, my job is now to stand silent and motionless in a room on my own until the President of Ireland arrives.
Rihards Olups@shockproofbeats No clue why Latvian choir in particular, but a boost for that.
Obverseer@shockproofbeats fwiw, "I knew if I stopped concentrating for one second, I would become time itself." was the line that got the biggest reaction from my family back in the day when I read this aloud to them, had to wait until everyone had collected themselves before continuing.
Krisys@shockproofbeats every time someone mentions a vet I spend an unreasonable amount of time wondering if it's about a veterinarian or a veteran
Joey@shockproofbeats is there a hardcore version ?
Laura@shockproofbeats This is the equivalent of us all moving into shitty student digs but you putting a nice painting on the walls to cover the damp and for that we thank you
Robin La Roca@shockproofbeats ooooooh yes.
Karl@shockproofbeats you can set visibility so only the first post will show up in people's timelines, and then reply to that. Now keep in mind I read this somewhere and haven't posted a 'thread'. I may have eben read it wrong, being as new here as you.
Brilliant story though. Perked up my morning.
Cassandra@shockproofbeats It's always a blessing when a classic pops up in your aural or visual timeline.
Thank you for converting this hit to this new format.
Nat@shockproofbeats yesssssss so happy to see this thread get new life
Dr Sam McLean@shockproofbeats it's like when the classic rock station puts on Somebody to Love.
Sherra@shockproofbeats I was thinking about this the other day, and how the original thread was left behind when I shut down my account. So - thanks for putting it here - bookmarked! One of the funniest things I've ever read.
Brosephine Wires@shockproofbeats I know this has been up for a long time but I was literally thinking just now [raises glass] “HEAR, HEAR!” and “we deserve this”
RedDave14@shockproofbeats Fabulous story! Tell it again, for all the #MastoDaoine - don’t leave anything out, now!
Emily Linnemann@shockproofbeats still my favourite thread of all time!
Aaron Abernethy@shockproofbeats Tell it again Seamus!
Karen P@shockproofbeats this is my all time favourite twitter thread.
ciohaga
Shane Gubbins@shockproofbeats I’m delighted this piece of history has migrated here for all to see. I get sore sides from laughing every time I read it 😂
Jon Horsley@shockproofbeats I'm pleased to discover that this story remains magic on a different platform.
amadden@shockproofbeats thank God, you're here.
Ding 
@[email protected] this sounds like a story I need to watch
Freyalyn 🌻🌨️ 🌲 🎄 🌲 🌨️@shockproofbeats I giggle every time I read this
Darcy@shockproofbeats I'm so glad this tale will now exist here too.
Iain Moore@shockproofbeats
Feels like home now we have this story here too!
Feels like home now we have this story here too!
Japannewbie@shockproofbeats could happen to anybody
Sean Lake: famous ballet 
@shockproofbeats OH THANK GOODNESS. It's not even a little like a viable twitter alternative without the green ketamine thread.
@shockproofbeats I feel a lot less uncertain about pressing a button labeled "Toot!" now that we have this. I know this is at least as silly as Toot! itself, but the mysteries of even the dead sober human mind are yet inadequately plumbed.
@shockproofbeats Absolute gold, thank you 😄
Shevaun@shockproofbeats I'm so glad there's "this one time" platform redundancy
Daisy Buchanan@shockproofbeats It's like you looked out into the crowd and saw my banner!
Wingdings Stan account 🇮🇪🇮🇪
Dr Shubhangi Karmakar
MadasaB@shockproofbeats Hurrah! My favorite ever Twitter thread is now here too!!
Naiavenna - Moonglade Musings@shockproofbeats oh goodness what a good story/experience to read about! Thank you for telling us!
Julie Roff@shockproofbeats Oooh I remember this one! Definitely time for a re-read and a laugh out loud 😂
Randall@shockproofbeats sounds like gonzo journalism - Fear and Loathing in Dublin.
⭕ Seosaṁ ᚛ᚄᚓᚑᚄᚐᚋᚆ᚜
Dr Hilary Lennon@shockproofbeats At home sick with Covid and the painful throat/hoarse cough laughs reading that hilarious story again was worth it! 'Hello guys'.. 😂