Doja CatThe doors open once more and @HarryStyles walks into the room carrying an LGBTQ+ flag.
"Hi, I'm Harry Styles. I sing, I make music, and I act. I am very excited and nervous to be here (I hope I don't die). Good day, mates!"
“They’re allowing kids in here?” @KatyPerry asks, to which @Kesha, hearing the word ‘kids’ shrieks across the cafeteria, remembering the recording process for her song “Double Life” with @Madonna.
@HarryStyles rushes over to help @Kesha, “Don’t worry darling.” He says to the half-coherent Kesha.
Kesha, inebriated, begins to piss on Harry. He tries to repel her by spitting on her.
The doors open another time, and another homosexual walks into the room.
@GrantGustin takes off his sunglasses and begins to undress before several members of the crew get up to stop him.
“The murders on this show are going to be vicious. Subscribe to my OnlyFans to find out more.”
"Not another fruit." @KatyPerry sighs at the sight of @GrantGustin
"Wait.. don't tell me troye is going in with him..." Katy turns to the camera, "Hello hbo max, i have to talk to you about your "family friendly" content."
And there is another fruit... as @TroyeSivan struts in right after his husband, seemingly unimpressed at being there.
“Slay… literally.”
The tension in the room immediately rises as @TroyeSivan and @KatyPerry exchange glances.
“Fruit”
“Hag”
Troye goes and sits down with his husband @GrantGustin while @KatyPerry can be heard making homophobic slurs from across the cafeteria.
Thinking the homophobic slurs were being hurled at him, @HarryStyles begins to sob. "Omg, what's happening?" He cries.
The door opens again and in walks @MeghanTrainor, she begins to go on a @LanaDelRey like tangent..
but for formality purposes we’ve condensed it to
“Munch-munch, crunch-crunch. Meghan is here to eat the lunch.”
Since she was eating during her intro, her entire speech has been transcribed below.
Since the meeting is taking place in the cafeteria, @MeghanTrainor instantly goes over to raid the food pantry.
@LanaDelRey immediately goes over to prepare a speech about how that is unfair to the crew and particularly her.
However, Meghan finds a loose space ball and punts it across Lana's face.
@MeghanTrainor, thinking the spacebar was a cake decoration, begins to eat it.
She promptly starts to choke.
"Eat her up Meghan" @KaceyMusgraves cheers on as @MeganTheeStallion, a trained nurse, begins to do the Heimlich on her.
The door opens again and @ErikaDeCasier makes her grand entrance, a beautiful hymn playing from somewhere in the background.
“E for Everyone’s Favorite…Erika de Casier 😘”
“She so unique” @TroyeSivan murmurs as @ErikaDeCasier walks into the room. “She’s an alien superstar.”
"I'm one of one. I'm the only one." Erika says, being on a higher plane on existence than the rest of the cast. She goes over to an empty table and begins to meditate or do yoga or something.
@MeganTheeStallion, @KaceyMusgraves, and @DemiLovato quickly get up from their seats to hug their fellow Roc Nation sister, and the four decided to sit together at another table.
The door opens a final time and @GwenStefani walks in.
“Hello it’s me, Gwen Stefani. I’m back, I’m blonde, I’m fruity, I’m unvaxxed, and I’m a little bit of a bitch. I am the proud winner of the first season of CBB. I’m going to win this show and afterwards you can catch me and the late Ed Sheeran perform our viral smash hit “Sunset Overdrive” in the new pokymon game ‘Scarlet Violence’. Christina Aguilera is a fat loser and I’m far more blonder than she will ever be! Make America Gwen Again!”
Now that all of the crew members are here, it’s time for them to get situated and mingle among each other. This is a game about voting, and the crew needs to think strategically.
@KatyPerry pulls both @Kesha and @KaceyMusgraves aside and tells them they should form a voting alliance together. They call themselves: “The Triple K”
@Kesha pulls @KatyPerry aside and mentions that the two should form a #RHOPI alliance.
Katy reminds Kesha that she was never on the Real Housewives of Pop Industry.
@GwenStefani overhears this and tells Kesha that they should form a #RHOPI alliance.
Kesha says “No.”
Being the only males of the group, @HarryStyles, @GrantGustin, and @TroyeSivan form an alliance, they call themselves: “The LG3T”
Grant and Troye wait for the first moment that Harry becomes distracted to form their own alliance, we’ll call them: “From Top to Bottom”
At their own table, @DemiLovato, @KaceyMusgraves, @MeganTheeStallion, and @ErikaDeCasier form an alliance titled “Roc Girls Do It Better”.
Using her psychic telepathic ghostial mind powers, Demi forms another pact with Kacey and @EdSheeran called “#WECANDOITEVENBETTER”
@HonestVocalCoach pulls @ErikaDeCasier away from the Roc table and the two chat.
HVC, impressed with Erika's vocal range, forms an alliance with her called “Not Lambily”
Putting their differences aside due to their competitive natures taking over, @KatyPerry and @TroyeSivan form a pact while @LanaDelRey is unconscious in the vicinity.
They call their alliance: “Three Is Better Than Rih”
@AmeliaLily approaches the first person that’s willing to speak to her, @HarryStyles, and forces him into a pact: “Between Heaven and Harry”
After their conversation, @AmeliaLily forms an alliance with herself, called “Left Metacritic on Red”
“Alright crew,” Doja says as she walks into the room. “Now that you’ve become acquainted with each other. It is time for roles to be assigned. Some are just titular, while others will have special perks. Let's get start-”
However, @GwenStefani, sneaking in a slice of red velvet cake from @MeghanTrainor, promptly takes a bit of it, gasp, wheezes out the words: "Blacks for Trump" and collapses onto the floor.
"It looks like we'll have to assign roles tomorrow, as the first murder has taken place." Doja says.
"Crew, you have 15 minutes to discuss amongst yourselves before you will all be called to vote. Best of luck."
"I blame @AmeliaLily" @Kesha says, not even taking a moment to talk before stumbling over to the voting booth and locking in her score for Amelia.
"It wasn't me! It was Lana! See, Gwen had a memorial card of @EdSheeran with her!" @AmeliaLily tries to defend herself, going over and grabbing the card from Gwen's body.
"Girl fuck you." @LanaDelRey says, finally getting an icepack for her head.
The crew begins to argue with little resolve or progress given the lack of evidence.
"Alright crew, your 15 minutes is up. Get to your voting booths and begin to cast your votes."
@Kesha, having already casted her vote for @AmeliaLily, uses her free time to go piss girl.
@HarryStyles, misunderstanding that prompt and believing that he was supposed to vote for who's innocent, votes for himself.
@DemiLovato, unsure of who to vote for and wanting to play it safe, decides to abstain.
"Froyo." The computer tells her in response.
@KatyPerry immediately breaks her alliance with "Three is Better Than Rih" and votes to eject @TroyeSivan
She is surprisingly joined by @HonestVocalCoach, who holds a grudge to him for not liking her album titled "Songs for My Pussy."
Sometimes backstabbers are fruits too, as @TroyeSivan along with @GrantGustin immediately move to vote for @KatyPerry
@LanaDelRey, personally offended that @AmeliaLily accused her of committing the murder, something she is vehemently against in her book: "3610 Poetic Rules of Being Briefly Gorgeous: The Pursuit of Being a Woman.", pulls @ErikaDeCasier and @MeganTheeStallion
"Vote for Amelia and I won't speak to either of you again for the rest of the show."
Three votes for Amelia then come in.
@MeghanTrainor, distracted from the all of the events of the evening, is forced to go in and vote.
She votes for the person who most resembles food, that being @HonestVocalCoach
"I love ham."
We almost wrap up but forgot that @AmeliaLily did not vote yet.
For formality purposes we let her vote for @LanaDelRey
@KaceyMusgraves also breaks into the voting booth, as we were afraid she's vote republican.
She puts in her tally for @LanaDelRey
Looks like she did vote republican after all.
Final Tally:
4 - @AmeliaLily
2 - @KatyPerry
2 - @TroyeSivan
2 - @LanaDelRey
1 - @HonestVocalCoach
1 - @HarryStyles
1 - Abstain
"I'm sorry Amelia Lily, but the crew has voted, and you have been chosen to be ejected from the ship. Do you have any final comments?"
"I DO NOT DESERVE TO GO FIRST, LET ME FUCKING STAY OR I AM BOMBING THIS SHOW!!!"
We were going to let her have a peaceful exit, but after a threat like that, the local SWAT team is brought in and arrest Amelia before production of the show can continue.
In her place, a soggy pillow is placed into the ejection hold, and launched out of the ship.
That brings us to the end of the premier! Tune in next time where the remaining cast will be assigned their roles among the ship.
Thanks for watching. 🚀