And it's especially hard not to take the mindset I'm forced into of "How dare you be happy? Who told you that you're allowed to feel joy without repercussions?" and shoot that at any of my friends whose lives are going well. In my brain, they're showing off to spite me, regardless of how hard they worked or how long they waited to achieve the dreams they're now living. I feel I'm such a hateful person stuck in a vicious cycle of self hatred and barely-concealed projection.