Pusheen Pun Kellymy body's saying our records may prove this to be photographic documentation of the exact moment it finally hit me: I am 'too OLD* for this'
*Oh,
Like,
Disabled https://mastodon.social/media/LGfwIsbQpp7QSfrkApY
Kelly 👾🎧@kevspace for context
I live kinda near a bunch of theme parks and I used to go to them a lot
it started as a conquered fear that became a making-up-for-lost-time that became a race against time
like other things I slowly realized I wasn't in it for the thrill, I was in it for the freedom, the escape from gravity, the airtime that felt like the exact opposite of my chronic pain, the endorphins
but inevitably I had to slow down on these as my body kept breaking,
@kevspace some very generous people (a good friend and a partner) helped fly me to my dream coaster park (Cedar Point) across the country, twice, for two new rides, because I knew I had to ride as much as I could before the pain overwhelmed the joy, and I am grateful
I thought I had more time... it became apparent I didn't
I thought at least I'd have Disney, with their tamer rides and relatively good accessibility, but that got complicated fast, with everything,
@kevspace I'd joke about the warnings, about how if I didn't have a specific diagnosis they couldn't say I wasn't supposed to ride it, because, I needed those small moments I could live in, the floating
but I had to rely on more aids/tricks... everything I learned about how to minimize impact wasn't cutting it, anything could take me out at any time
but this was something I was good at
a cheap way to get away for a day, with friends
I was known for this. rides,
@kevspace at the same time my friends lost interest, moved away, or became as broke as me, and the cost/benefit ratio was too skewed, I had to go less and less (but I was still paying for two passes, Six Flags and Disney, my last remaining 'just for fun' budgetary item)
still, the moments of weightlessness were enough, rare grateful pleasures, sometimes I'd get lucky and have an okay day but it'd take so much prep/rest/cash
so: Disneyland's space mountain, right,
@kevspace bear in mind I am ambivalent or actively put off by most of the Disney empire, I just like the rides
but I've been on Space Mountain and the Haunted Mansion over 200 times easily, I once considered tattoos
they represented: themed escape, and more abstract bodily escape -- all safe ways to escape my own mind, body, nerves, pain
Disneyland, designed to be a 'safe space,' was kind to me even as it stressed/priced out others; I associated it with escapes,
@kevspace nothing bad had ever happened to me at Disneyland after literally hundreds of visits, all but two as an adult, which I can say about no other space, white/capitalist as it is
today was low-risk, just going for a short day trip to cheer up my one remaining local theme park fan friend who's going through some things
but today was the first time I felt, while within the 'berm' of the park, that these moments of escape weren't worth it this time
it hit me,
@kevspace it hit hard because
the outside-to-AC of Haunted Mansion made me shiver, which made me sieze up, which made even slight movements excruciating
I rested, my pain pills kicked in
Space Mountain (speed-freed of its Star Wars overlay) almost gave me That One Drop, the airtime that was to be my tattoo
but this time the pain was loudest
had to cut the trip short, there was nothing I could do this time
I'd already decided to take next year off, to save up,
@kevspace and I will be able to use this savings for things that matter more to me-- I really do feel I've wrung most of what I was going to wring out of this particular escape
but, it's what it represents
that even if I can go back, justify that cost, the vacation time I tend to spend on doctors, the effort, the investment... even if I go back, I might not be able to 'feel it,' to escape, or even to safely ride as even Disney's attractions get more extreme, and,
@kevspace really, I think this is okay, it feels different from 'growing out of' it, it feels more like
the pain helped me shed other things that just don't matter as much, forced me to live while I'm alive
becoming Kelly didn't happen by coincidence
K. the Theme Park Dork will always be a part of me
like the drawing or the drumming, a thing I did when I was younger, healthier, when my wages went farther and I could go days without basic needs just on pure joy,
@kevspace this is a part of my story and who I am and how I got here.
the rides taught me how much I needed the joy
just one second of airtime could sustain me for months
I need to seek new joys, I will focus on redirecting this into new time-trades
I'm going to make more things, meet more people, see what I can do for myself
I didn't think I'd get here so fast, or this soon, but I am here, and I can go anywhere from here if I listen to my body
talk about it,
@kevspace 'rope drop' is when you arrive before the park officially opens
you stand with excited people in the hub and talk about where to run to first
this year feels like that
this is Kelly's rope drop
my future is a park I've never been to
I don't know what's in the lands and I might not be able to run there
maybe you can wheel me
we'll talk, goof off in the queues, complain about the crowds... but the rides
these new rides will be worth it.
come along?
@kevspace this was the first time I took the wheelchariot to Disneyland
I thought I looked very silly
but people liked this picture a lot, and when I think about it now, I think about: feeling hey, I could be visibly disabled, invisibly disabled; I could be the person who turned out Kelly
I was so afraid but like
look at this
who did I think was going to stop me
the chair has a bicycle bell on it now