Larry Summers Announces He Will Step Down From Chair With Belt Around Neck

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‘You Think You’re Better Than Me?’ Says Nicki Minaj Interrupting Child Reciting Nursery Rhyme

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed after overhearing the young girl on the other side of the park fence, rapper Nicki Minaj reportedly stated “You think you’re better than me?” Wednesday while confronting a child for reciting nursery rhymes. “How many albums have you sold, huh?” asked the 42-year…
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https://theonion.com/you-think-youre-better-than-me-says-nicki-minaj-interrupting-child-reciting-nursery-rhyme/

Man Unsure How To Get Old Lady Smell Out Of Hood Of Car

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying all his attempts to remove the 84-year-old’s stench from the vehicle had failed, local man Rob Davis expressed frustration Wednesday over his inability to get the old lady smell out of the hood of his car. “I hit her, like, two whole days ago—what gives?” said Davis, adding that he had scrubbed away […]
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https://theonion.com/man-unsure-how-to-get-old-lady-smell-out-of-hood-of-car/

RFK Jr.: ‘The President Having Sex With Children Is Fine From A Purely Nutritional Standpoint’

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https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-the-president-having-sex-with-children-is-fine-from-a-purely-nutritional-standpoint/

Exclusive Soup Kitchen Offers Free Meals By Invite Only

OLYMPIA, WA—Sitting back to savor the 10-course broth-based haute cuisine, guests at the Northwest Community Center told reporters Tuesday they were thrilled to dine at the organization’s exclusive soup kitchen, which offers free meals by invite only. “Everyone on the streets wants to get in here, and I can’t believe I finally get to try […]
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‘We’re Off To See The World!’ Shout Saluting Trump Boys Setting Sail On D.C. Reflecting Pool

WASHINGTON—Embarking on their self-described “diplomatic voyage” at the National Mall Tuesday while their wives and children waved goodbye, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly declared, “We’re off to see the world!” as they set sail across the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. “Ancho…
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https://theonion.com/were-off-to-see-the-world-shout-saluting-trump-boys-setting-sail-on-d-c-reflecting-pool/

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday while catching up over drinks with his single friend Brian Schur. “Yeah, man, things are fine—same old, same old,” said Reaves, who that night would curl up on the couch […]
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‘Dancing With The Stars’ Criticized For Allowing Whitney Leavitt Extra Pair Of Legs

LOS ANGELES—Accusing the competition series of “blatant favoritism,” Dancing With The Stars fans took to social media Tuesday to criticize the show for allowing contestant Whitney Leavitt to use an extra pair of legs. “How in the world did Whitney get not two, but four different legs to use during h…
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https://theonion.com/dancing-with-the-stars-criticized-for-allowing-whitney-leavitt-extra-pair-of-legs/

Holiday Cooking For One

With the festive season upon us and our hearts filled with the reality that we’ve never been so isolated and alone, The Onion offers an extensive guide featuring tips and tricks for preparing an unforgettable annual feast to create a completely miserable dining experience for one. STEP 1 Leave your ex-wife a long, meandering voicemail. […]
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Pentagon Blames Venezuela For Flow Of Drugs Into Kash Patel

WASHINGTON—Calling the national crisis “a complete justification” for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for the flow of drugs into Kash Patel. “Day after day, Venezuela’s violent cartels smuggle illicit narcotics across the border and into our country’s FB…
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https://theonion.com/pentagon-blames-venezuela-for-flow-of-drugs-into-kash-patel/