Mastodawn

fiscal conservatism: people are going to the bathroom too much, so we're going to cut back on toilet paper. (That'll teach 'em.)
Catholic Church: God gave you one roll of toilet paper; you can never get another. You can have eternal life if you never use it.
Republicans: Liberals are trying to take away your toilet paper! Give it to us and we'll keep it safe for you.
Democrats: people have been deprived of toilet paper for so long, and this has been a terrible burden. Clearly they need time to heal before we can make any dramatic changes like letting them have toilet paper again. We're just not ready for that. There isn't the political will to support everyone having a roll of toilet paper, so please don't vote for someone who wants to give it to you, because they might win.

capitalism: You have a case of toilet paper. You loan one roll to someone in exchange for regularly receiving more rolls from them.
vulture capitalism: You buy up the world's supply of toilet paper, and sell off the individual pieces at a steep markup.
free-market capitalism: You have a roll of toilet paper, which you are free to use as you wish... or you could sell it, if you want to eat. You have total freedom of choice in the matter.
late stage capitalism: You have one roll of toilet paper. Some people have none. I have warehouses full, but I worked hard for those rolls and I'm not going to hand them out just so a bunch of lazy people can wipe their damn butts.
colonialism: you have two rolls of toilet paper. A foreign country invades you, takes one roll, then says you owe them the other one to pay for the invasion.