How can I get out of all these boring household tasks?

Dear Jane, my parents keep giving me loads of chores to do and saying something about “responsibility” and “being a grown-up”. I mean, what are they on about? I only just turned 30. How can I get out of all these boring household tasks?

Unhappy from Hampton

Oh my poor beleaguered buttered scone of injustice!

How dare your parents suggest you take on responsibilities simply because you’ve reached the tender and innocent age of thirty?! Why, you’re practically still in the larval stage of adulthood, just barely crawling out of your sock drawer of self-discovery!

Let me tell you, chores are a vicious rumour spread by people who don’t own enough decorative hats. I once avoided all housework for seventeen consecutive years by pretending I was allergic to dust, soap, and effort. It worked marvellously, until I was eventually mistaken for a long-lost Victorian ghost and exorcised from my own kitchen.

Now, here’s my expert advice for dodging every chore ever:

Invent a fake PhD in “Domestic Aversion Syndrome.” Tell them you’re part of a long-term study that forbids vacuuming due to potential sock displacement trauma.

Hide in the laundry basket. They’ll never think to look for you there—especially if you blend in by wearing nothing but unpaired socks and a tea towel turban.

Fake extreme hat-related injuries. “Oh no! My feathered fez slipped and I twisted my dishwashing instincts!”

Train a squirrel to do your chores. Failing that, just blame everything on the squirrel. “Why didn’t you do the dishes?” “Because Reginald chewed through the sponge, obviously.”

Write them a strongly worded note in icing. I’ve found that cakes with messages like “Responsibility Is a Conspiracy” or “Let Me Nap, I’m Thirty” are both delicious and persuasive.

And finally, for full escape velocity, I recommend my bestselling guidebook “Grown-Ups Are a Myth: Escaping Adulthood With Grace and Cupcakes.” It pairs beautifully with “Avoidance Through Sock Puppetry” and the ever-popular “Ten Reasons I Can’t Hoover (Allergies, Ghosts, and General Vibes).”

So pop on your most distracting hat, declare yourself emotionally fragile, and lock yourself in the loo with a nice hot pot of prune juice until the laundry folds itself or they give up entirely.

Irresponsibly yours,
Lady Jane Sillybottom
Author, Hat Philosopher, Sock Whisperer, and Domestic Avoidance Specialist

#chores #grownUp #housework #larvalStageOfAdulthood #ResponsibilityIsAConspiracy #skiving