dear #PublicDiary
why is it that a man gets loyalty for free while I have to work so hard to get any regocnition?

I am wondering if I can ask people and get real answers from them.

do you they really want him for the job? do they believe he is qualified? how did he prove that to them? do they just believe him?

do they know I would like the same job? do they think I am less qualified? do they realise I was doing a lot of work for him? do they even care?

too many questions. too little answers

dear #PublicDiary
I have a cold in summer

I remember "the good old times" where I would just have colds during wet and cold season.

I only got sick in summer holidays from food or from air conditioning.

anyways. lots of plans that I will have to cancel for the weekend.

a good friend´s birthday party that I was really looking forward to.
a travel with my kid.

maybe I am fit again tomorrow morning.
but probably not...

dear #PublicDiary
it is a weird day. Is there a name for that feeling that you cant do anything unless another thing is done. and then you do nothing.

also just realised that the fly crawling on my screen last night left a lot of black dots. so at least I will be cleaning now.

and then I have to find some energy to do a task that is also needed.

I hate it when stuff that I prepared to work, doesnt work.

dear #PublicDiary Just convinced my dad to not be out of town when my brother is coming to visit.
what is it with men? (old white men??) like we see my brother about 3 times a year. he is actively coming to our city to see us. and my dad just books a holiday and travel to leave town on the day my brother is here.
they might miss each other at the train station. or might be able to wave at each other.

Do you get where this is coming from?
I am wondering if he doesnt want to meet my brother?

Dear #PublicDiary I am out and about to meet people I never met in the hopes of connecting with someone.

I am strangely de-attached. A bit exited a bit anxiety. Maybe this is just the mixture.

At least I am out of my door.

dear #PublicDiary I am in a bit of a dilemma

I have been mobbed for being me. I can write a report and say I have been discriminated because of my disability.
part of which is that I psychologically cant plan for stuff five years in the future as I dont know how well I will be then or what will happen til then.

I am afraid I wont be considered for a job I want to have as people might believe it should go to someone who can plan years in the future.

but maybe I am just too honest. ...

Dear #PublicDiary
Can't watch someone cleaning. They are just pushing the dust and dirt against the wall.
No turn, no putting the dirt in the cloth.
Just straight lines. And at each end hitting the wall with a bang.

It pains me. Don't want to tell them they need to do it differently as it is their space.
And I am just a person doing sports there.
But it is so annoying.

dear #PublicDiary I am trying to write a report on the person who mobbed me.

I am wondering if I should explain everything or just write the mean stuff they said and did.
I wanted to do it for documentation purpose.
wondering if I should just forget. but also wanted to be prepared in case it got worse. and I am also convinced the person will not stop their behaviour if everybody just caves. and becomes silent.
but it is so much energy I am needing for this. anyways, I typed some pages...

dear #PublicDiary I am so nervous.

I am doing a test for a possible new job in a couple of minutes.

I am freaking out about if I could do it. and if I get the job could I even do it. like am I not just a failure?

I feel like I dont qualify for imposter syndrome because you are only allowed to have that if you are actually very good at what you do.

I not very good at anything but quite good at a lot and I am usually reliable, if I am not just disabled by feelings, stress or anxiety.

dear #PublicDiary
I did a thing

I couldnt find some important papers.
I searched today. I cleaned some. Left some papers still in a mess.

Now decided to ask for a copy of the papers.

Anyhow, does this count as #criptime ?

having to ask for stuff again and again. because you cant find it again.