November 8, 2023 - Day 312 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 331

Game: Almost There: The Platformer

Platform: Steam
Release Date: Feb 19, 2019
Installation Date: Sep 7, 2019
Unplayed: 1523d (4y2m1d)
Playtime: 15m

Almost There: The Platformer is a minimalist 2D platformer.

This game takes everything I hate about platforming games and distils it down into a pure essence: Eau de Platform.

This game makes Celeste feel like a relaxing walk in the hills. Celeste made me want to at least keep trying before giving up in frustration. This made me look up at the clock every thirty seconds wishing for sweet release from my self-imposed straitjacket.

"Almost There" was what I whispered to myself as the clock slowly, painfully ground towards the 15 minute mark.

Almost There requires pinpoint precision to do... well, everything. Beat the timers on each level to get three stars. Land on the tiny platforms. Beat the pointy insta-kill moving spikes. Wall jump to avoid the lasers. Avoid the moving lasers.

The dev describes it as being "designed specifically for fans of the hardcore platforming genre" and playing this made me wish WWE 2K23 *had* finished downloading tonight.

To be clear, this game is not a bad game. This is a game that exists to mock me; a game that exists to remind me that it doesn't matter how hard I try, there are some games that will never be "for" me. That's OK with me.

I hate this game. This is a game that does exactly what it says on the tin, but a game that I will never be able to enjoy.

For lovers of hand-eye co-ordination, this may be the peak of platforming experience, but for me, Almost There: The Platformer is a solid:

1: Nope

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