snapchat filters are really convenient for when you want to see what you would look like if you had perfect lighting and flawless skin and the horrific lips of a bratz doll

I can forgive massive violations of digital privacy and data mining text conversations to sell to advertisers, but I draw the line at suggesting that I buy a deep dish pizza. Walmart is going down for this.

going to a restaurant in Chicago sounds terrifying, what if I order a salad and they bring me an entire bottle of ranch dumped into a huge leaf of lettuce shaped like a bowl NO THANKS

if I encountered a civil war reenactment in the wild would it be considered uncouth to start doing a 9/11 reenactment right next to them

bang bang by jessie j but the opening lyric is "she's got a body like a babadook, and a head like a babadook" and the entire song is just the artist gradually coming to the realization that they actually have just been dating a babadook all along

the only way I'm voting is if my ballot is presented in the form of a really intrusive ransomware style pop-up on whatever screen I'm currently using that I can't get rid of until I cast my vote and I'm writing in Shrek

I should be one of those useless HR people that go around spreading weird neurotypical bootlicking corpo value slogans like "Be Here Now" and gives lectures on the importance of welcoming constant interruptions like they're as important as the idiot interrupting you thinks they are, except I will just make cringe boomer Facebook ad style t shirts that say shit like "every time you ask for an ETA you get one day added to the ETA" and shoot them at people from a t shirt cannon at point blank range