Wife and I thought we'd spice things up by trying swinging. Visited a club and were confronted by our son-in-law's parents going at it like rabbits as a group watched. They saw us, we saw them. We quickly left. Very awkward familiy get-togethers ever since.

Drunk and walking by Moorfields eye hospital late at night. Decide to empathise with the blind and follow the tactile line on pavement towards the tube. Shut my eyes and tried to feel the line with my feet. After 5 seconds I split my head open on lamppost.

Me and my brother went into a toy shop to look for possible presents for our sister's kids. I came out with a set of plastic dragons, he came out with a box of Lego. We didn't find anything for the kids.

My girlfriend is a professional cellist. Her cello is over 300 years old, and I'm pretty sure in an emergency situation, she'd prioritise it's safety over mine. I'm strangely OK with this.

Stuck in the car in traffic had to piss in an empty coffee cup. Finally got to a garage, went to dump the cup but a guy cleaning the forecourt took it off me and walked over to the bin. He shouted back are you sure you want to bin this it's still warm

Having tried floss, interdental brushes and water jets, I have found that the best tool for removing tartar from between the teeth is a toenail clipping. Also saves money and eliminates plastic waste.

Cunt in a van cut me off to get in a petrol station. Sitting behind him fuming, I noticed his g/f or wife was with him. He gave her his phone to hold. I texted the number on the van: "The sex was amazing. Same time next week?" The yelling began as soon as he got back in the van.

Each week I buy fresh cherries and always swallow the stones, hoping to fire them like machine gun bullets into the toilet.
Hasn't worked yet, but maybe tomorrow.

After years of cooking stupid amounts of spaghetti I've learnt that the perfect portion for two is the size of a good erect penis.