The dog was blinking and rubbing one of his eyes so the wife took him to the vets and got some eye cream, which he hated being applied. Didn't mention I tried to pour some custard from a carton into his mouth, missed and filled his eye.

I'm so pleased that they didn't have CCTV back in the 1970s; I'd have been exposed as the phantom shitter who crapped behind the school tuck shop. It was no mean feat, I used to cycle two miles and climb over the gates most weekends to do it.

Whenever I use the bakery tongs at Lidyl to extract a fresh loaf, I pretend that I'm a midwife saving the day on a critical breach-birth.

In the supermarket, I judge the competence of the person behind the till and everyone else in the queue before joining. I feel that people in front of me should take it as a compliment that I've chosen their line.

For years I thought the "Suez Crisis" was the "Sewers Crisis", like a blocked sewer or something, and I couldn't understand what Egypt had to do with any of it.

I used to go to a Relaxing Yoga class on Sunday afternoon. I stopped because the teacher always entered the room with wet piss on her flowing linen yoga jumpsuit. I couldn't work out whether to tell her or not. Simpler never to come back.

My husband has started buying extra cat treats for himself. He says they're keto. I say that they give him bad breath and if he doesn't stop he'll also be getting a decree nisi.

There's this younger guy at work who has a crush on me and keeps walking behind me trying to catch a look at my arse in my workpants. He's not taking the hint so one day I purposely farted everytime he walked past and he stopped

Got too close for wife's liking to a woman with unusual first name, nothing 'happened' but close. Years later interviewed someone of same name, should've given her job but couldn't work closely with someone with a name that made my wife's skin crawl each time she was mentioned.

Been divorced for two years. Didn't really appreciate the little things the ex did, like emptying the crumb tray of the toaster. Didn't know there was one till it caught fire. Live and learn.