Years of obsessive tracking and analysis of all kinds of data mean I can predict, with great accuracy, at which percentage of body fat I'll start getting more / fewer blow jobs from my partner

My wife and I didn't get around to having a joint account and just share the bills between us. I was sure the water was one of hers. Turns out she thought it was mine and we haven't been billed in 10 years. No wonder Thames Water's in trouble.

I wait til I start to need a piss before doing boring household chores like the dishwasher. I then race to get them done before having to go for a piss and count it a win if I complete it.

Rice & couscous mixed together is better than either on their own. I tried this after my fussy child refused to eat rice, but the other child refused to eat the couscous I replace the rice with because "it looks weird". I mixed them both together, now both kids are happy. Me too.

When I've had a few drinks, I secretly listen to The Corrs. Just had to pretend I was listening to a political podcast when my wife asked why I had my air pods in.

Despite being 54 and employed I qualify as a student as I am taking a night course at a local university. I get to sit in the bar and drink a discounted pint. The best part is that no-one speaks to me as I have grey in my beard. Absolute bliss.

I stole something today. I needed 2 tiny nails, but B&Q only sell them in packs of 50 for £9+. So I poked a hole in the packet and took two. I'd have paid if there was an option to. Not sure which is more pathetic and petty: my crime, my excuse, or their pricing structures.

Years ago. Ran out of petrol passing through an unfamiliar town. Didn't have enough money to pay for more. Saw a stoner. So I grabbed a fistful of weeds, ripped them up, & sold them to him as "fresh weed". He fell for it. Got the petrol, but can never return to the town in case.

My husband has his own pissing song he sings on a morning - it goes "pissing in the toilet, pissing in the sea, pissing in the river, pissing is for me" it drives me mad but this morning I found myself humming it

Got a new teaching job months ago at my old school. The "Mr [censored name]' sucks cock & balls" graffiti, followed by a crude image of a jizzing cock, that I did years ago as a student is still etched into the underside of his former desk. I'm weirdly proud that it's still there.