I for one think audiences are ready for a Big Mermaid.

You may have noticed the sun is setting an hour later all of a sudden. That was my idea.

Sorry, but I think it's important to do jury duty. Once when I had jury duty I went in the courthouse bathroom and an elderly man was loudly singing "No Scrubs" while he used a urinal. Imagine if I'd missed that.

Emails from the website I use to do my taxes really overestimate how eager I am to do my taxes.

The reviews are in: I walked into the room and my dog puked on the floor.

I've used disposable contact lenses for years but throwing out a pair still feels so decadent. Lemme just flick these little magic plastic seeing discs into the bathroom trash.

You could tell by looking at him his favorite book was the general idea of The Art of War he'd gotten from movies.

Kevin McCarthy lost 6 times? What is he, MY FREAKIN' AIRPODS???

I'm done with resolutions because I made one to lose weight in 2015, lost 80 pounds, and now exercise is something I enjoy. I won't risk anything like that happening again.

“Here are my concerns.” - me, chill, beginning my response to any suggested fun plans