kale is great if you like lettuce that tastes like it's going through an ugly divorce and is also somehow sharp

Of course, there's life outside the Internet. That's where I get some of my best joke ideas.

Life is too short. Be sure you're making the right mistakes.

LIFE HACK: Stay organized by hiring a professional organizer. This shit is kind of hard. Where do we even start, christ

I never wanted kids. I wanted fully formed, adult goats that could go on at length and in depth about the customs and traditions of their cloven underworld kingdom.

As a child, I asked my father to teach me how to face problems instead of running away. He smiled at me, picked up his suitcases, and left.

If these right wing extremists don't want to be labeled "domestic terrorists" they should probably stop doing domestic terrorism.

My daughter, 8, just told me that Sriracha is a man because you address it as "sir-acha" and bacon is a boy because she calls it "boooi-con" she advised to correctly gender the foods so we don't anger the sriacha

Way too excited about the new episode of OMITB tonight. I really need to get a life lol