抽烟三年了，居然越抽越猛。小时候觉得我这辈子都不会像我爸一样抽烟，但是到头来还是不是一家人，不进一家门。😅

"Manipulation is the new gospel and its priests sermonize on profit, exploitation, distortion, climbing the social ladder and looking out for number one. Conformity to this corruption has the seductiveness of “success”, and success promises comfort. In practice, it leads to dehumanization and isolation. We distance ourselves from the troubles and afflictions of our fellow beings. We harden ourselves to pain. Ultimately we lose grip on those values that make us whole."
- Bill Ballantyne

It’s just me sitting and staring at the internet or the television for long periods of time interspersed by trying to not do that. And then lying about what I’ve been doing. And then I’ll get so excited about something, that the excitement overwhelmed me, and I can’t sleep or do anything. And I’m just in love with everything, but can’t figure out how to make myself work in the world.

fuck you, fuck you, fuck youuuuuu! fuck this world, fuck this fucking disappointing world.

If I loved you less I might be able to talk about it more… Austen的书中我最爱的male character就是mr. knightley。可能是我觉得这种引导型的男的很attractive吧…

March 20, 2024 entry:
"He's doing his own thing, not once even contemplating how I am, whilst I'm wondering how kissing me in the rain, talking about places we want to go together, and him kissing my face all over, calling me the most beautiful girl meant absolutely nothing to him."

so stupid, so so stupid, I am so stupid for being so in love. Everything feels so meaningless. 看完了自己在douchi发的所有关于他的帖子，感觉自己像一个拘谨的孩子，战战兢兢的做着美梦。果然一些都是一场梦啊。

I didn’t write this, but:
你追求的正义早就实现了，在背叛你的人伤害你的那一刻就实现了，因为他们放弃了有你存在的生活，他们撕裂了自己生命中良善的那一部分，他们失去了你，不管他们是否意识到了这一点，你追求的个人正义都已经实现了，你能做的只有，继续做一个好人，并且把自己的生活过好，这就是一个好人能够追求的全部正义。

看the pitt最新一集想到自己在匹兹堡做rape kit，想到自己当时document自己的淤青，想到那个凌晨。完完全全被trigger了。

操，原来所有的朋友都以为我们会结婚...