Sorry for the short reply, I think what you’re pointing out is very well described but I’m not equipped to deal with it

I hate the painter with a passion. He was incredibly dumb and even he knew it. And it’s not just “memory”, it was precious youth time that is lost. I’ll never be a highschooler again. I’m angry. I’d be happier if my past didn’t exist

I was going to study abroad or settle somewhere else sooner or later, I just don’t see anything relevant to this country anymore. I don’t really feel attached to anywhere to be honest: family, friends, country, anything that comes to mind. And I love travel, and I feel sick when I stay in some place for too long. Studying abroad is the best option for me.

I’m just too late, and despite my tremendous effort (including but not limited to completely messing up my sleep schedule for work) since last year, I see people are much better in their position because they just started things earlier. Did the right things. Had a network of people that guided them well. And as I’m typing this here perhaps someone else started something I’d love to do.

I’ll take your advice though, thanks for suggestions

One thing that helps is trying to avoid that kind of information, whenever possible. The less you know about something that bothers you, the less it ends up bothering you

I feel like I won’t be able to improve unless I see people better than me

Many with a similar or worse background than me though

I do the reverse. If there was something else I could do that day, it’s lost. And goddamn so often I do mistakes and feel bad about it.

I’m not fully versed on the life of these people but as far as I know Tesla had financial difficulties through out and Turing got targeted by anti-sodomy laws at the time (not related to his achievements). I definitely envy almost all parts of their lives, I’m not sure why you’d say that.
Musk straight out got deranged these days and is definitely an exception when you consider all the wealthy people. Zuck, Bezos etc. all quiet people in general.
I think I much appreciate success and accomplishing stuff than comfort, like I’d sacrifice my lifestyle if that meant I can do stuff

I casually asked someone from a selective high school what their best students look like