Well, M and I agreed on a last weekend together. He wants us to stay friends. I know I can't. I've stupidly fallen in love with him. Why? He's so boring in so many ways. But it is what it is : I'm longing for him, whilst he's not. Silly old gay man. Your husband loves you, you have a big comfy roof over your head, plus a caring family and devoted friends. Some even look up to you, those idiots. Paperthin dreamlife. So why can't I just be merely, basically happy? #lonelybrain #diary #moodoftheday

Yesterday. My brain keeps going back to yesterday. When I told my lover M that I needed to stop. That I needed to do what I am meant to do : protecting and serve my husband and our families. As always. Even at my expense. Duty before your shitty self. I don't know where everything is going, but I can clearly see a straight path before me. The same as always. M was a curve. A lovely curve. But I MUST walk the goddam line and smile. Dude, you're not unhappy. #lonelybrain #diary #dailymood