“I came to explore the wreck.
The words are purposes.
The words are maps.
I came to see the damage that was done.”
—Adrienne Rich, Diving Into the Wreck
opening up this fresh new journal to start my first bullet journal. Trying to convert my self-created weekly schedule planning sheets into the bullet journal format to keep more organized and all thoughts/info dumps/ideas/lists/meeting notes/planning in Just One Place - that 1 place being a Fine Little Notebook, preferably. I read half of the Bullet Journal book and it was great. I think for a long time I associated "Bullet Journaling" with annoying "Bulletproof Coffee" types. I was incorrect.
What choices led me to this life where on a Sunday morning I'm watching youtube videos of how to fix a Bic "wite-out" correction tape spool?
Was able to take a 10 minute walk this morning. It's been at least two weeks since I've been able to walk outdoors due to extreme heat and humidity. As the weather (hopefully) gets cooler this month, being able to take walks again will help my brain and body.
Very thankful I can vent anonymously here today to complete (and completely kind) strangers
and they would rather pay for someone to mildly help their child, that to have nothing scheduled at all because they have no other options. The parents just need to feel that their child is getting some help, even if I feel I'm not able to work to my standards. That did make me me feel better. $ is not an issue for this family, so me just projecting my own worries about parents thinking they are paying me for not-quite-to-my-standards-for-effectiveness tutoring was also stressing me out.
I am specifically a dyslexia tutor, though many of my students, of course, have co-occuring neurdivergences such as ADHD, dysgraphic, dyscalculia, ASD, sensory processing, (including my own children). I told my therapist how it stressed me out to watch this student struggle and knowing I'm not trained for his needs specifically. Therapist told me that she works with many parents of more severely autistic children, ...
I suggested his mom find an in-person tutor, or private school, and told her my concerns that he was not making the cognitive connections in the multi-sensory lessons and seemed to just be "going through the motions." So I would consider that unsuccessful tutoring, but the mom assured me she believed her child was learning with me and asked me to keep tutoring. So I am for now. But I think he has more severe autism/adhd than my other students, and I am not trained for that.
Also , why did the physical/emotional meltdown have to happen the day after my therapy session? Maybe that opened me up to feeling things instead of avoiding and it all hit me today. Thankful for therapist though - I talk to her a lot about things that stress me out about work, like I recently tried to break up with a student b/c he really needs more support than I can offer him in online sessions. (cont.)
never ask a woman the exact location and velocity of a particle
never ask a man about the time before the Planck Epoch
never ask a nonbinary person if consciousness is more than the sun of neurological processes
never ask an agender person why the void calls to us, why we cannot resist the unknowable
never ask a genderfluid person if history is but the futile masochistic cycle of a primitive species cursed with intelligence
Winternet 
