750 Followers
106 Following
853 Posts
sensually online

my sister: why do you delete so many posts

me: sometimes you don't know something's really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*

Desperately Seeking Sasquatch
watched Saltburn last night. good movie with brilliant casting and a decent script…but ultimately, it’s just The Talented Mr Ripley for horny zoomers.
i have the cops on speed dial, just in case someone tries to steal my toots
"It's OK," I say as I lift up my shirt, unzip my money belt and peel off three slices of prosciutto, "I have cash."
not to brag but i’m rated a 10 (in millimetres)
Don’t be a reply guy.
Be a comment gent.
You can't scare me. You're not a white hairdresser with dreadlocks.
if you stand in front of a mirror and listen to the new metallica album 3 times in a row, an old gen X person will appear behind you and whisper "metallica were never the same after cliff died" and then disappear into a cloud of bong smoke
don’t be afraid to follow your dream of becoming a sightless bioluminescent blob fish and moving to the depths of the mariana trench