I have defended my dissertation.

I feel a lot of conflicted and negative feelings about what I've been dealing with. I basically realized I'd been doing research with no oversight, support, scaffolding, or advisor help. I still passed.

I don't think I'm the same person I was before, and I can't tell what I've gained or lost.

I am currently only celebrating the opportunity to move on. I have successfully broken up with the dissertation.

When I visited family in Malaysia at the beginning of this year, I was really stressed out about anyone finding out I was queer. Partly because of stuff my parents said about the country, and partly because that side of the family is in a super homophobic Christian sect.

While there, we passed through an alley trying to get somewhere, and I saw a lone piece of graffiti that said "Punks respect pronouns" on an otherwise blank wall.

That moment is carrying so much of my hope right now.

The overthinky part of my brain wonders how much of people's sexuality and capacity to express sexual attraction comes from a 'nurture' stage built from experiences spanning from puberty to late 20s.

And I worry that since I still haven't really dated or done any of that stuff even though I'm in my mid 30s, the result is a dying capacity to connect to others in that way.

That's the feeling. My brain knows that isn't how that really works.

It's just occurring to me now: the only Goosebumps book I ever read was the haunted mask.

Though I didn't actually finish it though cuz I was too scared.

I've been playing a lot of ZZZ since it came out.

I really like Ben. I really want Von Lycaon. None of this information is surprising