Dear male American lawmakers, millions of these pre-born baby seeds are currently inside your testicles. They are the primary cause of abortion. The safest solution is to smash your testicles repeatedly with a hammer. Don't delay, do it now.

I ordered Starbuck’s new Apple Crisp Macchiato decaf with whipped cream and a splash of caramel drizzle and the ghost of my grandfather slapped it out of my hands.

Bon Jovi must be at least three-quarters of the way there by now.

pavlov's dog is in schrödinger's box. maybe he's drooling, maybe he's not

Give a man a fish. Give the fish a squirrel. Give that squirrel a cool hat. Now everyone's happy

Everything you don’t understand isn’t a hoax.