i can't help but try to imagine the topography of her body. the hills and valleys in curves of her being, those which i have not felt before. i want to witness how they'll bend around her bones, how they'll swell when i learn how she feels on my lips. i want to study every inch of her. i want memorise every sensation, and every reaction. i want to learn her. gently, primally, entirely.

i saw her, but she didn't see me. still, it has brightened my day. sitting in bed, i heard her voice coming from behind me. the sound of her laugh was so clear as if there weren't a wall between us. so i peeked from the corner of my window, and there she was. her smile and her hair and the way she holds herself to show them both off. she glanced toward my window as she passed, likely to see if i was watching, naybe hoping to see me too. if i feel this much from just catching a glimpse of her,,,

i need to stop percieving silence as emptiness. sometimes there is just quiet. just because you can't hear or see or touch it, that doesn't mean it's gone. it will be back in a moment. but i don't want her to be silent. i want to share in her quietness. i want to touch her without sound

i figured taking my thoughts of her and turning them into art here would help me manifest. i wanted to put it all out there. make it real. but did i put out too much? did i build something too vast and inadvertently push her away? did i exaggerate what i thought was, and still think is, truly so big? or rather am i exaggerating this lull in communcation, taking it to mean much more than it does, where it probably means nothing at all? all i know is that i put it out there, and i'm drowning in it

dripping with thoughts of her

i'm trying not to miss her too much before she leaves. i want to ration my heartbreak, but grief can never be wrangled. neither can love. for her, i'm full of both. and i wouldn't say that i love her, but i know i could. it's what i want to do. i don't want to miss her at all, especially not while she's still here. but i miss her every moment that she isn't next to me

she leaves this week, and my heart is breaking. the moment i woke up this morning, i noticed that the energies felt different. they'll continue to shift, and i don't think it will feel good. the magick here knows she's getting ready to leave, and it's trying to console me. but the air feels different and i feel as if i'm being smothered. i'll see her tomorrow, and each day until friday. and then not again for some time. i'm worried that i won't be able to breathe.

my biggest fear is that this feeling will fade. i need to memorise her, i need to make her want to memorise me. i don't want to ever forget her intricacies. they make her who she is, and she is no one but herself. i want to learn all of it