@crashkey they have more in common with my little brother and the three of them have a tight brotherly bond- but i’ve always been alone in the family. I’ve been the black sheep who is laughed at for their choice of college degree, and made a joke of constantly. Im respected so little, i don’t think there is much of a bond that exists.

@crashkey i always took things so personally and its still hard to shake off these feelings of “my brothers abandoned me because they hated me. They want nothing to do with me.” because at the end of the day, I don’t think I EVER cross their mind

@crashkey when i was little, to cope i venomously hated both my older brothers. I didn’t want to be close, I never felt close, and all I could process was that he wanted to split us apart. I remember feeling very alone after that, especially as my other older brother ran away from home because he’d despised it

@crashkey my parents would rage and scream and punish my brothers for sneaking and having girlfriends, and for me as a child that equaled “dating is bad” and I still am afraid to date or be close with someone because even though i am an adult now, every time dating comes up, it’s always in a harsh if not negative tone.

@crashkey i remember having a few crushes and just being scared shitless because even the thought of liking someone and my parents knowing scared me. So i ignored them. It wasn’t like due to homophobia or anything- it was because i’d watched my family split apart over my brother’s having girlfriends in hs.