Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That's okay I don't mind
M: The mess though
F: Don't be silly
M: I don't want u in my house
Friend: That's okay I don't mind
M: The mess though
F: Don't be silly
M: I don't want u in my house
mo
@chuuew@mstdn.party
- 562 Followers
- 72 Following
- 158 Posts
Easily distrac
ME: [rushing wife to delivery room] I should go back and get it just in case
WIFE: The baby won't want a mcflurry!
[creating a clone of Beyoncé] lmao Beytwicé
ME: I'm making your favourite dish for Valentines
WIFE: If this is a pun I'm leaving you
ME: [sadly puts pottery wheel away]
Thx4SharingJerkDon’t be so judgy, Your Honor
Frank Whitehouse[First date]
Me: “Is there something bothering you?”
Her: “It’s nothing”
Me: “I can tell something’s up”
Her: ”..It’s just when your Tinder profile said ‘Serious bad ass’ I thought...”
Me: *gingerly leaning forward on my hemorrhoid cushion: “No, go on. What did you think?”
☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's probably Jim again. He angered a wizard and gets transformed into animal forms often.
FRO VO*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
ME: [coughing up blood] please no more. I have a family
MONDAY: lmao are you crying
ME: How did you make this spicy ice cream?
WAITER: That's a candle