we live in a society where everyone talks to muppets like they're actual people and not puppets

conservatives during winter: It Is Cold And Snowy Today, Global Warming Clearly Does Not Exist, You Foolish Liberals

i wrote "you dumb butch" instead of "you dumb bitch" and it sounded like i was endearingly teasing a lesbian and not insulting an idiot straight girl

boy: wyd ;)
me: I'm reading a fascinating book about the entomology of stinging insects, this chapter is about the evolutionary relationship between the human and the honey bee
boy: cool cool u dtf?
me: did you know honeybees still make perfectly symmetrical pentagonal combs when they're in space

my friends trying to figure out why i'm upset

me: i'm buzzed and tired, i'm going to sleep
youtube: 3 Weddings That Ended in Horrifying Murders
me: dammit

sweet dreams are made of cheese
who am I to disabrie
I've traveled the world and the kasseri
everybody's looking for chedder
some of them want havarti
some of them want gorgonzola
some of them want colby-jack
some of them want marscapone
mozzarella
provolone
mozzarella
provolone
mozzarella
provolone
Mozzarella

to honor the theme of human dentistry, whenever i'm cleaning a dog's teeth i'm gonna tell it it's bleeding because it doesn't floss

I try and act hard but I'm actually a bowl of mashed potatoes, soft and warm and delicious with garlic

who do you ship me with? real or fictional
personally I ship myself with the sweet embrace of death