told nie about this and nie was like "i have tears in my eyes for you" AND I'M JUST

SDLKJFL IDK I'M ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME LIKE THIS (ROLLS INTO A BALL)

again it always sticks out to me, the fact that nie stuck around for Literally a decade trying to convince me i'm not a bad person

and it just

idk it's humbling and i'm v. grateful for that affection as i try my best to bask in that warmth w/o wondering if i even deserve it aaaaaa

still find it stupidly tiring that i still have so many bad coping mechanisms/unhealthy patterns of thought to work at b/c each time i think i'm done there's just

more to do

but <_ > i'm at a point where i'm just yeah ok

better late than never, and i have the mental space and capacity to address all of that so bring it on i guess

like the aesthetics of my life's story matters less and i'm just here

living based on what feels right

rather than looking for patterns and neat story arcs

it seems really obvious that this is how i should've been living all along but better late than never

was reading my prior annual diary entries about how i liked that me, moving out, felt so clean aha

like... clean in the way it felt like the ending of a movie, where everyone got what they wanted -- i had the satisfaction of moving out and my parents had the satisfaction of raising a successful adult, competent enough to move out

but now that i'm past that idk

i'm a lot open to being a messy crier and not feeling like i'm going to die about it

like i knew he'd understand b/c he's a good, thoughtful boy but

i didn't expect him to be emotional about it too and

idk

it feels nice feeling loved like this

tomo: do you want to. collab. where i draw. what you write.

me: YEYAEHAEYAHEHAHEHAH