Some of you are out here claiming cotton candy doesn’t taste like dryer lint

The CTA trains are designed to go up to 70mph

Normalize talking about salary. I make $2,500,000 a month.

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Actually I’m thrilled I got another coffee mug instead of a bonus this year

Michael Buble ran over my dog with his SUV. Died on the spot. Michael then got out of the car brandishing an AR-15 and put so many holes in my dog that you’d think he was Swiss Cheese. He turned to me and said “Come with me, Ben. The ratkin need you”. I didn’t comply. RIP Oliver.

Uh oh