it is so joever

we are products before we are humans 😥

tfw you found someone nb who seems like a perfect piece to your polyamory

it’s in these moments i wish i had all the basic adult financial and material stuff ready and waiting so i can ask her out and at least be friends. sobrang attractive lang talaga u know for sure she can score any gender (and she hella knows)

she might be a tad bit too young though and we for sure won’t vibe. if there was a way it would likely have to be through mutual friends or smth

oh well. maybe one of these days a silly stupid gamble

semi-sleep paralysis to lucid dreaming goes hard bc wdym there was a bulky faceless shadow L4D-ish Witch monster who knocked me down helpless and bit and ate my face and vanished and then i get up angry and rampaging and crushing desks and tables and concrete walls that are in my way to find the Witch thing and have my revenge? then i grab it and next thing i know i’m having intimate moments with it while it was formless and invisible like ??? im being sweet and sensual with literal air, and then it materializes later to be some kpop idol like wtffffff

kailangan ko na talaga ng practice ha di na nakakatuwa 😭

books talaga dapat mamser

i don’t even read talaga but the (2nd?) Netflix trailer piqued my curiosity enough that i was able to read the entire trilogy before the last trailer came out

tho tbh at this point it’d be kinda weird if you start with Book 2 because you’d have to get through the worst parts of the trilogy lmao so idkkk i honestly wish people who could have the patience to read the books read first before seeing Netflix ver :(

hmm could probs help to get this offmychest

had to decline a much younger cousin’s invitation to her debut. not the first time i declined an invite to important family-once-in-a-lifetime events (don’t do it, just go). just a little weird there’s not much pushback - then again i no longer associate with family so her expectations were likely very low

like she and i could’ve been close and her mom seems to have thought i would’ve been a good influence to her growing up when she needed help with school and talking about her interests with people who aren’t her friends her age and elders (plus out of all her other cousins our side of the family it seems i was the most patient with her ig?) so i kinda wanna go but then what it’s just weird i’ll just ghost them again after lmao and i have to be chummy with family just for the night? like last time this happened was my brother’s wedding which was kinda lowkey and i still made sure i’d prepare for it and come but members of the family were surprised i did, even my brother was (like what you invited me lol?) and they were kinda feeling i would make a scene so ig they’re also kinda happy i wanted to leave early? lmao

anyway back to my cousin - didn’t have to make excuses and she just went “okay, maybe next time!” but like why is there that sort of guilty vibe like lmao they probably learned of my suicide attempt (which i never explicitly admitted to anyone besides our then helper with whom i had no choice but to disclose because she caught me before i was able to clean up lol) and they probs found my backup tools, by that i mean a bunch of counterindicative otc stuff hehehe like why hide a bunch of otc meds hehehehehe

but like i mean girl you probably read of depression and suicidal people and ig maybe she’s shocked to know someone like that irl and so close to her hehe but it’s not her fault like don’t feel guilty about it kek i’m sad that she’s sad about it but she has to let it go lol kinda sad if the next time she sees me is at my funeral for dying a little earlier as expected? perhaps it wouldn’t sting as much if i make it seem like an accident. hehe i no longer seriously consider it but it’s just cute to think it’ll be easier for them to move on if i just get it over with

my life’s been lame and boring and already deserving of contentment anyway how about we do it for the content ah fuck that dark feeling is coming back and i missed it sooooo much and i love it kesa naman boring jsq

the world’s so stupid and pointless and lame and fucked up but at least there’s plenty of people i’ve met who seem to be much happier without my influence. the joy i could bring to people who’d be sad with me gone won’t compare to the comfort and peace i’d be indirectly giving to those people who are glad i’m no longer in their lives. i no longer want anything for myself anyway like YEAH FUCK I LOVE THIS ♥♥

youtu.be/goA3TXoAfrI

if i can asian squat i’ll never stand up

taking care of yourself and your health. not in an emotional/spiritual sense, but of putting more value into maintaining good health and hygiene. it makes the general quality of life so much better and easier.

and i guess also being honest in introspection. being oblivious to or in denial of what you want leads to a lack of satisfaction and wasting time be true to yourself and what you want. we can’t want what we want so get out there - and in there - with yourself and learn to be independent of others’ impositions lmaoooo

have you ever stopped to consider how much your own motivation relies on other people being incapable of doing certain tasks? how the output can only feel gratifying if no one else can do something like you do, despite requiring minimal effort? 🤔🤔