Be careful when mixing earbuds and Evanescence, y’all. I scared the shit out of the little old lady in front of me in line at the grocery store when I screamed WAKE ME UP

This day in history. 1941. Australian poet Banjo Paterson who wrote Waltzing Matilda died from an infected billabong.

Waking up from a nap to a bigger, stronger, harder, colossal nap.

The Veggie Tales characters went to the wrong address and ended up at a vegetarian conference. What happened next will haunt Larry the Cucumber for life.

Gonna tattoo letters on my chest and wear a ouija planchette around my neck.

How important are probiotics? Probiotics are essential to gut health. They promote hair growth. They keep you from feeling sad on cloudy days. Probiotics are the reason you were born. They can break glass. They can see through time. Probiotics are the foundation of a functional democracy. They are your world view. They wrote the Book. They are the Behemoth. Probiotics are All.

Me: *trying to sleep *
My Brain: Why didn’t Fonzi and Pinky Tuscadero get married?